this world has nothing for me.....

ok so i've been having so many different emotions in like the past week its been crazy.....
i will explain it as soon as i can find the words. i'm feeling a change coming on.....one bigger than the worry and the pain and the anger that seems to have been slowly taking back over.

.....a real one.


i'm seriously lacking something.....what?

i don't know yet, but you know that feeling you get when you've forgotten to do something and then you remember....yeah its kinda like that.

i would like to thank rebekah for once again opening up a whole new realm of questions and bringing be back down to reality. I<3U

"from the inside out" -----i figured out what my tatoo is going to be....now i just have to find the courage or impulse to do it.

waiting for attention...i'm not...cut it to the left and i rock

so i guess whenever i get to the point where i just have no idea where to turn or what to do....i should just put in the finale of dawson's creek because somewhere within the 2 hours of glorified angst-ridden relationship horror the answer to life's most dangerous question is found.....

the question.....why?
the answer.....love.

and this is life's only truth.

i started crying about 5 minutes in and stop about 5 minutes after. the story line is sad, but that wasn't why. it was showing me once again.....that i am here...whether i like it or not. whether i'm happy or not.

Jen: You're suffering from a bad case of "is this is?"
Pacey: You think?
Jen: Yeah...I gotta tell you this IS it. This is definitely it so you should make the most of it.....as much as you want to you can't rely on someone else to make you feel alive...it's an inside job.

unfortunately this is exactly what i've been dealing with this whole year.

this is not what i planned my life at 21 to be. this is not what i dreamed of. i'm not where i wanted to be. i'm not with who i wanted to be with. i'm not doing what i wanted to do. i just feel like.......is this it? is this really it? is this all i'm going to get?

and right now.....it is.
and its pretty freaking good even thought i can't always see it. i've got family, friends, love, hope, faith, life, health, happiness, home, dreams, drama, anger, pain.....everything that life is suppose to be. what i need to do is just get over it and live in the now because at some point i'm going to look around and be alone and realize that if only i had appreciated what i had when i had it i could have avoided all the regret in my life.

you know.....its funny. when we love people we wish constantly for their happiness. that is....until we end up somehow sitting alone in a room filled with happy people being the only one miserable. we wonder how it is it got to that point and THAT is the definition of dark blue. it's the fake smiles and white lies we use to keep everyone happy and with that i am back to the reason i started this blog....hmm....empty smiles and a lack of sleep. i'm definitely not sleeping again. at least this time i know why.

soooo there is it. what has to be changed. i can't be that selfish and that is what dawson's creek has once again reminded me of. that i'm not alone as much as i try to subliminally tell myself that i am. there's a handful of people who will continue to stand by me no matter how hard i try to push them away. i guess as things change without me i feel like i get pushed aside.....which might be true.....but aside is not behind and that is what i have to accept.

it's amazing how blinding love is. blind to flaws, blind to others, blind to ourselves. being on the outside is rough because unfortunately you still have your contacts in. you can still see the flaws, the feelings of others, everything......but another part of life is trust and i will trust until i'm given a reason not to. then i will kick ass. haha.


sometimes i wonder where we're all going to be in five years.....will we all be meeting up in bars to relive our pasts, are we really going to be living out our dream jobs, reconnecting with our soulmates, still pining away in silence for the only person we've ever loved, getting married, dying.......are we even going to still be in contact with each other? i would like to believe that soapy tv gets it right every once in a while and that we will be. its kinda scares me.....to look back and see how much things can change in a year....think about five.

oh life.
i guess the only answer is to hold on as tightly as you can to the people that make you feel like your 15 again and that life is somehow worth it.....


Jen- "I just want the 3 of you to stay friends... and I hope you stay in touch. Never forget what you mean to each other and the effect that you've had on each other's lives. So friendship can really never be over or underestimated."


i'm not really feeling that great....i think i'm getting sick. i couldn't even stay awake to watch hairspray. so i'm stopping....i just wanted to pour out some thoughts. i had a whole other thing i was planning on writing about instead of this. i guess that will have to wait until later....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

hope you enjoyed the old pics....haha...look how young we looked. crazy.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

i randomly teared up today when i was talking to my friend on aim...wow....the power of technology.

20/20 hindsight.

its incredible how clear everything that once seemed so blurry can become when you just give it time and truth. i went to church last sunday and of course it put me into "deeper-meaning mode." what is it about religion that does that? maybe it just the want for the world to give you answers to all the questions you keep asking?

anyways.....it got me thinking about how we are never satisfied with what we have. we always are reaching for something better....something more.....something that will make us happy. the problem is we just keep reaching. we rarely take time to appreciate the greatness of what is or what was because we're too concerned with the pain of what could be.

thats where hindsight comes in.

its amazing how it can blindside you at 8:32 at night on some random tuesday via a string of words printed on your computer screen.

for as much complaining as i do.....i have much more to be grateful for. its sad i can't find the courage to admit it.


i find myself asking God a lot of the time...
why i'm in this position?
why am i here?
how am i suppose to help this person?
am i suppose to be letting them help me?
is this part of "the plan"?
......it can't be...because life is sucking balls right now and i'm not happy.

it's....i guess....alright (thats the best word to describe it) when you realize that you were wrong and God did have a plan the whole time.

as i look back on these past 2 and half years that have made up this whirlwind of college life...i'm starting to realize that everything has been part of "the plan." even those times i swore i was going to jump of the top of the GCC.....splat. i guess its good i didn't.

the words said out of anger, the fights, the periods of extended silence, the awkwardness, the unhappiness.....all mean nothing to me anymore because tonight i figured something out. God was on MY side. he knew who i needed on my team and picked them out for me. he just wanted me to find them on my own. there really is nothing else that could explain it when i really stop and think about it.

and here is me...stopping and thinking...
we find the people we are suppose to find. we lose those we are suppose to lose.

freshman year i had a bitch of a roommate. she was angry all the time, depressed, never talked to me. i had to force her to go places with me and after a year....i still couldn't tell if she liked me or not. i didn't want out.....but sometimes i wish i had a different roommate. 2 years later....that girl is one of my closest friends. i'm not sure if we tried or we just grew into it, but i can't really explain it or why it happened. she understands in a way that no one else does.....not just about freshman year, but me in general. after living together for 2 years....one year in silence and one year in awkwardness.....its fused into a history that is probably my favorite with anyone i've ever known. if someone would have asked me the 3rd week of freshman year if we were going to end up being good friends....i would have taken bets on no. if someone would have asked me the summer after freshman year....i still would have said no. if someone would have asked me the last week of sophomore year.....i would have said absolutely not. ask me right now?

yes. she keeps me sane.


so theres was a girl that went to my high school. i never really talked to her much until senior year. we were friends by association.....so we found out we were both going to bradley. sweet. we hung out a few times and ended the summer with "we should hang out after we both get moved into the dorm." "ok...why not?" yeah that "why not" turned into "why don't you become my 'best friend'(gag....sorry i hate that term)?" we've had a long 3 years of ups ands down as well. if someone would have asked me senior year if we were going to be good friends.....i would have taken bets no. if someone would have asked me the end of freshman year....if would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me the middle of sophomore year....i would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me this summer....i would have said she drives me crazy. ask me now?

she still drives me crazy.....but if she didn't i wouldn't be able to make it.

and then there's this new girl. i didn't really know much about her until maybe a couple months ago. i've known her since freshman year, but there was always been something between us. time, distance, people....who knows. so junior year comes around.....we become pretty good friends. not bffs, but she was definitely my favorite new addition to my life. shit goes down and all of a sudden i'm living with her and only her in a huge house for the next 2 years. all time, distance, and people are removed and i left scared to death of this little girl who about as far from scary as eminem is from george w. bush. i'm just not a fan of one of one time with people i don't know. i was like cool God....what do i have in common with girl?

ask me now?

how did i manage to survive without her?


its amazing how things turn out. when i think about who ended up with who after the hell that was last year.....i smile. someone knew who needed each other and they knew way before any of us ever figured it out. in rage we chose sides and i guess sometimes you have to listen to your heart. i look at my ex-roommate and i look at my high school friend and i know they are helping each other in ways they don't even realize. sometimes i get sad that i can't look behind me and see my ex-roommate sleeping or watching animal planet. sometime i get sad we don't have anymore crazy back to back aim conversation. sometime i get sad i that i strangely understand her now. and my high school friend....sometime i get sad that she doesn't come to me right away anymore. sometime i get sad that we're actually functional friends. most of the time though i'm happy for them. as for me....God knew who i needed/what i needed/how i needed it and i see it now. she's changed me more than she'll ever know. all for the better. i'd like to think that in some way i changed her too. whether its true or not? i guess its just more poetic to go with yes.

and there are a handful of others intertwined in these stories who have affected me just as much and who i wouldn't trade a second or any of the good or the bad for anything. they have equally made a difference in my life too. like i said....we meet the people we are suppose meet.

so anyways that was my sappy.....shoutouts blog. you can kill yourself now for reading it.

i like thinking that life has some deeper meaning.

sue me.



oh yeah.....derek williams.

silent all these years...

so today has been a different day.

i woke up exhausted. like completely drained. i'm not quite sure what is going on.


anyways the whole day i was kinda blah...i didn't want to go deal with anything. i just wanted to lay down and not have to talk to anyone. but i sucked it up....and went...cause what other choice did i have....


anyways it was good i did because for about 3 hours tonight i was happier than i have been in a long time...i'm starting to feel like i'm developing a separate life again....kinda like with drama in high school. we had our first anti-alias meeting tonight which basically means we (multimedia students) hang out...have fun....help each other. i love the people who are in my major...yes even the ex. its so nice and comforting to be around them. to be able to talk about things that your normal friends would care less about. its amazing how close you can become by looking at each others divs, getting advice on shadows, and understanding the importance of 4 gigs of ram. i really love my job too. i love the people i work with. i remember feeling very intimidated at the beginning of the year just cause i was the new person, but now i've finally gotten comfortable enough with them to joke around and really feel like a part of that group. i remember being a freshman and thinking whoa....those people that work there must be really awesome and good at this. haha lies. its kinda funny that its me now. i guess i kinda like pseudo-power and knowing who everyone is. it feels much more like a family. all my co-workers are great. i'm marrying trevor.....he doesn't know it yet. i hope he randomly stalks me and sees this though. and the girls i work with....amazing. all of them are incredible at what they do and super funny. its weird cause being a multimedia student means you are required to have certain traits and certain interests. its just so very different to meet girls who are like me.

on the downside of today...

do you ever wish you could...
say just the right thing that would fix everything?
say just the right thing that would make someone else understand?
say just the right thing to start the conversation?
say just the right thing to end a conversation?
say just the right thing to tell someone how you feel?
say just the right thing that wouldn't scare someone away?
say just the right thing to make someone else fall in love?
say just the right thing that would rip someone apart?
say just the right thing that would make the other person need you?
say just the right thing that would make the other person want you?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than him?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than her?
say just the right thing to not sound selfish?
say just the right thing to make everything better?
say just the right thing that would make the moment?
say just the right thing that would convince yourself that you don't feel anything?

sometimes i have so much to say, but i just can't say it. there are times when i have everything on my mind, yet i don't know how to form sentences. it makes me feel very alone. is there a point where you run out of things to say or a point where what wants to be said just doesn't happen.

everyone is off on other people tangents....maybe i'm just a little jealous. i guess i can't help it. its not fair to make someone be everything to everyone.....however thats the reason everyone gets hurt. everyone wants to mean everything to everyone.

come together....right now....over me....

ok so i know its been forever....more than a month....gross.

well the thing is....i've been really happy. being really happy doesn't go hand in hand with the whole blog idealism thus i really haven't had anything to complain about/write about. but i've decided that good writer should take the good with the bad and keep on writing no matter how boringly content they might be....

so....
yes.
what to say?

well....do you ever get to that point where you feel like you're missing something? i'm starting to feel that again. i'm not quite sure what it is. so much has been going on recently that it could be one or maybe any combination of these momentary life glitches that i've been having recently:

1.) everybody seems to be needing someone else. it just seems like what has been ok....even more than ok for a while.....is starting to make us a little edgy. with no friends to fight with....everyone has moved onto the new big bad....the fate worse than best friends.....boys. i'm pretty easy going when it come to this topic....however.....with 4 sexually charged females in repeated close proximity, i seem to be getting a little on edge as well. i'm fine with the whole non-relationship thing. i tend to not do well with them anyways (which i was so graciously reminded of this week.....thanks buddy). for me i just don't understand. the only difference i see in these relationships with significant others and relationships with friends is sex. maybe that why i have such a hard time finding one to get into.

anyways......this is what i hate....now when i meet guys
its not....

"oh.....i wonder if i could be friends with him"

it's....

"oh.....i wonder if i could get into a relationship with him that lasts more than a year, marry him, stay with him for the rest of my life, and not want to secretly strangle him in his sleep with out children sleeping in the next room"

see why this is sooooo difficult and i hate it.
this is not how i want to think.

ya know what i blame......the age 21.
it blows and i think i'm going through some quarter life crisis because i seem to have all of a sudden started to question everything i thought i was ok about.

2.) i had gotten to the point where i had almost given into the notion that college life was something that was real and true.....but a semester later and lots of quality time with 3 other amazing people and i've changed my mind. its take a lot of courage to stand up for what you think it right. its even harder to stand up when your friends are the ones trying to pull you down. i've gotten really lucky this semester and found some people who have helped pull me back.


i want to be a good person.
no....i want to be a great person.
i want to NOT give into whats wrong just because its so much easier.
i want to be someone that other people can look at and say, "wow she is a genuinely good person"
i want to be a good example.
its been years since i've said that. i've been called a bad influence and taken pride in the fact that...."well at least i have fun" one too many times.

when did it become cool to be bad? and why do so many of us fall in line?

3.) i dislike this school. for real. i feel like i have shitty teachers and am getting a pretty shitty education for a school that is suppose to be ranked like way up there. what department is that based on? definitely not mine. i came to this school knowing that i would be sacrificing what i wanted to do for close proximity so i dont know why im complaining....oh wait....i do. i'm complaining because i'm 21 years old and i don't know what i want to do with my life. i thought i had some idea.....nope. i want to travel the world and meet new people. i want to have fun and be with my family and friends......is that not a major?

4.) no its not.....in fact what i am majoring in is.......how to choose between people you love.....and a career. this is the downfall of what i want to be (well what i thought i wanted to be). in 1.5 years i will be done with college and expected to live in this real world. um......i'm scared. i also know that in this 1.5 years i will have to have built up enough courage to walk away from everyone that means anything to me. its the price of art and it always has been. this is the real reason i can't decide what i want to do with my life because i don't know if i'm strong enough to walk away.

5.) this brings me to another issue. attachment. i told myself i wouldn't. i said no....not on this one and not at this time. it will only end up hurting you. well guess who is getting attached? yes i am and i will admit it.....fuck........its impossible not to and anyone who meets this person understands why. the problem is what will happen next semester when the reality of life sinks back in and this nice little paradise alternate universe gets shattered once again. i don't want to lose this person who i lay a huge chunk of my life dependency on and i have a feeling i will. they say not to put too much of yourself into someone else too quickly because it will only come back to bite you in the ass. they are probably right......but i can't help it and i don't want to stop. maybe i'll just have to fight when the time comes. this time i think its worth it. i have to.....because this has been probably one the greatest friendship i've ever experienced.

6.) this semester has been amazing. i've actually felt alive and happy. i have great people to spend time with and i just keep meeting more and more. i'm scared of losing them....all of them. i also keep thinking about the ones i've lost contact with......its been bothering me. enough to start texting. so we'll see what trouble i get myself into.

anyways.....all this stuff has been floating around inside my head for the past few weeks. i guess its good i got some of it out....

haha so that came a lot easier than i thought...
sweet.

i guess ill be done for now.

if we're all alone....aren't we in this together?

i don't know.


i hate those words.


for the first time in my life i've had to say them....and mean them. usually i just say them because i want to avoid the topic or don't really feeling like telling people the truth, but these past few weeks i've said, "i don't know" probably around 78 times and meant it every time. its empty and cold and confusing. it the weirdest feeling in the world. its just like feeling blank. its as close to nothing we can ever get.

i don't know how i feel.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what i should say.
i don't know what you want me to say.
i don't know what i can say without making you angry.
i don't know how to make you see what the problem is.
i don't know how to make you happy.
i don't know what you want me to do about it.
i don't know where i want to live.
i don't know who i want to live with.
i don't know whats going to happen in the next few months.
i don't know how to fix everything thats going so horribly wrong.
i just don't know.

i need you to help me figure it out.
ok?

no......theres never anyone there who can help answer these kind of questions. when you run out of feeling no one can come fix it or make you feel it again. this is all by yourself. and when its gone its 10x harder to get it back.

i don't know what to do.


selflessness is rare, but beautiful. why is it so hard to want whats best for someone else?

“love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”- c.s.lewis

this is the real challenge. to realize that its not enough to love someone because you like being around them or because they are funny or pretty or nice. its not enough to care or even be concerned. it's not enough to hang out with them or get to know them. if you really love someone you have to give them the ultimate form of love......being selfless with them. you have to have a constant wish that everything is good for them all the time. to say you love someone, but internally only care about how you feel in the relationship is not real love. its the love that blinds us. its the love that makes us jealous. its hard to get past the point where you aren't jealous and into the area where the only thing you want is whats best for the other person.

i wish everyone would try a little harder at this. everyone has their own problems. everyone has their own past, present, and future to worry about. everyone has felt the way you have before.

so guess what....
sometimes its not about you....
sometimes its not about me....
maybe for once its about....her...
or him...
or them.


the hardest thing in the world is to watch someone you love be happy when you, yourself are not. there really is nothing that can be done. but to really love is to be able to be happy for someone because they're happy.

good luck.
how are you suppose to get people to understand this?
i don't know.....



on a more positive note.....i love fall and this weekend was perfect. do you even have days that just could not be better. maybe its the people....or maybe its the weather...or maybe it just me. i feel happy for the first time in a long time. thank you fall....thank you friends who like to enjoy random stuff with me....thank you girl in the room next door.....thank you new friend....thank you cuddlers....thank you jumanji....thank you cover bands....thank you water and beautiful nights....thank you pumpkin ice cream....thank you high school musical 2....thank you life: for slowing down every now and again to help remind me of why i'm really here on earth.

when it rains...

to know it's real...
it has to hurt.

to love someone so much it hurts....
is reality.


distance is my killer. it will be the death of me. i know. i can tell already.

the people i'm around all the time are the ones who i think about....the ones who change me day to day are the one who chain my heart. but as the distance grows....the chains loosen. i don't know if i feel trapped and need to break free or if i just look for the easy way out. either way all i do is end up hurting other people....and me. i don't want it to be like this. i don't want to lose contact with best friends.....i don't want to get detached from boyfriends enough to run to someone else ONLY because they're there. when i need comfort...i guess i need it immediately. when i need someone....anyone.....i run to the person i can get to fastest. all my relationships with my friends and family and everyone has been based around this. i hate it. i want there to be a set limit of love i have for people. i want to love people because of who they are....not because of where they are.

its amazing how much we fight for each others love. its amazing how much loving someone else can hurt.
to want to be the person they need.
to need to be the person they want.
it's soooo hard. to be away and have to listen to your friends talk about having fun without you and not be the person they need to tell things to...kills. it hurts to not share the memories. jealousy.....is the killer of love.....the killer of friendship.

i am jealous of every other person
who has ever made you laugh.
who has ever made you cry.
who has ever share a secret with you.
who has ever know anything about you that i didn't.
who has ever made you change.
who has ever meant anything to you.

i am a killer

in a way we're all like this with every person we meet. we need to mean everything.....

there is one girl i know who can do this....shes managed to make every person she's ever met think that to her they were the world. she has destroyed more hearts than she'll ever know. but she has shown me the key....to go into relationships knowing that at some point you'll only 2nd best. if you go in thinking this....you wont ever get hurt.

if you ever love someone and don't feel jealous then you don't really love that person.
we all must be killers
to really love we must destroy at the same time.

without love...life is doris day at the apollo...

so its been forever since i wrote in this. my bad. i'm going to try to do better during the school year.

in a nutshell.
i finished work.
i grew closer to some people i never thought i would.
i grew farther from some others i never thought i would.
i grew a lot.
now i'm back at school.
juggling the 2 different lives again.
living in a house with a nice girl.
she seems to get it better than most.
i go to school.
i hate it and wonder why the hell im here.
i go to work.
i love it because all i do is sit and watch tv and get paid while i do my homework.
life is moving fast, but i have a feeling its about to slow way down.


i want to mainly brief you on the topic of friendship. i have the worlds greatest friends and i would be willing to go to trial to prove it if i had to. i would win hands down because have the type of friends who make me feel less alone.


in our world, it's normal to feel alone.
actually it's normal to be alone.
we each have our own minds.
no one else can even see into them.

almost everyone i know feels... in one way or another... alone. like they are in this game of life by themselves.

people are either:
a. alone in distance, space, and time
or
b. completely surrounded but lonely nonetheless

this is common. people feel this all the time. when they are away from everyone they feel alone. when they are with people they still feel alone and misunderstood. we all fight a day to day battle against this. there seems to be no escape.

but i found one.

c.s.lewis said that friendship is born when one person say to another, "really....you too. i thought i was the only one."

i'm not a normal person. i would say i'm kinda weird. kinda geeky. kinda dorky. kinda cool. kinda nice. kinda mean. kinda strange. kinda normal. kinda fun. kinda not. BUT despite all of this....i've found people who get me. thats why my friends are the best. i can feel completely alone and misunderstood, but as soon as i look into their eyes i know they're in this with me. the whole world disappears and for right then and there it about us. its about having a team to back me up in life.

i don't know how i've found these people either. it's not like i go out searching for them or taking surveys to find the best ones. its something bigger. i almost feel like they've been sent to me. maybe by someone who's keeping an eye out. someone who knows that divided we will fall and united we might have a chance at standing.

with all this in mind....sometime i wonder why i have such trouble being in relationships. i'm starting to think that its because i see it all as the same. what is the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone? to me its just sex and thats kinda scary to me. is sex the only difference? mabye thats why i have so much trouble with this. maybe i just don't get it. sometimes i wonder if i ever will.



in other news...
the life that is "the college wasteland" has been on my mind mabye i'll talk about it next.

you have one wing....i have another....

so i've turned 21 and now it's past.

i don't really feel that much different.

i guess.....i shouldn't have expected 21 to be any different.

i have a record with sucky birthdays. i'm to the point where i just expect it to blow and it does and i don't really feel that bad about it. this years was actually one of the best ones i've had

i didn't have my family with me...
i didn't have my friends with me...
all i had was an acquaintance with a good story and couple years on me. we got to experience a blo/no bar together since she's not from around here. a free birthday shot and a beer.

but i find it really ironic....
to spend that one day of your life thats suppose to be some huge deal at work and then out with a girl i barely even knew....truth be told i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

because depending on people you care about to make your life happy isn't what life is really about. most of the time youre left standing on your own. your family isn't going to always be there and your friends aren't either. they will have their own lives to worry about. you're just alone. left with regrets and people who constantly let you down. i think the fact that i stood on my own today was strangely the right thing to do. to celebrate the transition into adulthood still sheltered by what you know and who you trust isn't accurate. it isn't what life is. tonight was NOT about celebrating the loss of my childhood with what i knew and love.....it was about celebrating the start of my adulthood standing on my own.

i thought i was going to be upset that i didn't get drunk off my ass or do a powerhour or barhop with all my friends....but i'm not. granted i won't have that special 21st birthday story, but i will have a good one. i got to know a new person a little bit better and didn't do the expected......ACTUALLY that sounds about right for me.

i wish everyone would experience their 21st like that, but now that i'm 21.....i guess they can't. because i've decided that regardless of where i am or what i'm doing i'll be the first person to buy them a drink.

i have to.

i'm too protective of them to not.


today might have be the first happy birthday i've had.

at midnight i was with three people who i'm glad we're the first people to wish me a happy birthday.
i spent the day with my mom....who i love.
i went to work and got my life experience. i hung out with my little sister.
then closed the night with what i explained above.

this whole week has been pretty grand. i love everyone and thank you for making this a good start to a new year.

21 and invincible...

I'm 21 years old.

damn.

life check.

culture shock.

fuck.

Beautiful Girl....close your mind....

so whats been going on with me?
a lot.....and nothing at all.
for the most part.
i get up around noon....go to work at 4....work until 11ish...come home....go to bed...and repeat the same thing the next day.

but for my life being mostly that...its been not boring at all.
in fact.....i've been really happy with my life recently.

i'm going to be 21 in 2 days.
21.
legal.
old.
and adult.

its been throwing me for a loop thats for sure.
alcohol won't bring the needed sense of rebellion anymore.
does that mean i need to turn to something else?
haha....the right thing to say is no.
but i've changed a lot of my views this summer.
actually over the past year....i've really broken down a lot of my set morals. i'm finally seeing that i need to be the one to decided what i think is right and wrong. i'm not just going to follow blindly anymore. now i'm not saying i've lost who i am. its just now i have morals that i believe in....on my own.

turning 21 is going to be a pretty easy transition for me.
i have like no friends who are older than me.
this summer pretty much everyone i hang out with is a good 1-2 years younger than me.
i don't think it's bad at all.....it keeps me young.
it also make me feel even more grown up. i can't help but want to protect all of these people that mean sooooo much to me. they're becoming my little brothers and sisters. they haven't see what i have yet. they haven't felt that first big disappointment....some haven't even had they're heart broken. if they only knew what they were in for........

but thats the beauty of it all.

they're just starting to feel the pain that comes with growing up.
they are learning how to really love.
and how to let go of those they thought would be there forever.
people change and grow up.
i love seeing it happen.

and the best part of it all......they see me in a way that others don't.


they say the people you need to fear are your friends and not your enemies because enemies can only take your life....friends can take your heart. the latter hurts much more. i've been able to really reconnect with a lot of my old friends, but others i can't help but feel like i'm growing more and more distant from them.

it's hard for me to believe they care as much as they should (or at least as much as i deserve) when i have other friends that drop what they are doing to help me and take the time they don't have to talk to me. its the difference between having time and making time. i have one group of friends that make time. its just easy for us to be together. the other group has troubling finding time to be together. i don't really know how to react to this. but what i do know is....

the way these two different friend groups work are totally different. i know its wrong to compare them to each other, but i can't help but do it. and its sad because i love them all the same.


on another note.....

i've come to another conclusion.

hugs. you can tell everything about your relationship with another person by what it feel like when you hug them. i use to just think that some people were just good at hugging and other people weren't, but i don't think thats it anymore because i can feel how hugs from different people have changed.

i've been experiencing a lot of different type of hugs recently:

there is the real hug. usually with someone you feel completely comfortable with. it feel easy and automatic. you don't feel the need to let go.

there is the stranger/friend hug. with someone you don't really know very well, but when you hug them you can tell that you'll end up being friends because it feels surprisingly real and easy.

there is the stranger/not friend hus. with someone you don't really know very well and it feels awkward and not that great.

there is the changed hug. with someone you use to feel comfortable with, but now that you both have changed.....the hug still feels familiar, but there is a need to pull away faster than before.

there is the wanting to open up hug. it is between people slowing becoming friends. it kinda feels like a first kiss. awkward, but vulerable.

there is the safe hug. with very few people. when you hug them you feel completely safe and protected.

there is the protecting hug. with very few people as well. when you hug them you can tell they feel safe and protected.


haha ok. that is my new theory.


i want to be a hippie.
i was born in the wrong time period.
i want to protest.
i want to live free.
i want to change the world.

live like you were dying...

i've really been embracing the small town life that last couple days.

i love it.

if i ever get a family i want to raise my kids in a small town....i think it just makes you a different type of person. a dreamer. a person with a genuine love inside of them.

anyways carlock.....haha....well lets just say it has it's own beauty. it might be known for its drug dealers and people without purpose, but in fact the heart is big within it. thursday i hung out with shane and we walked around and went to the restaurant to get cokes....haha i felt like i was back in the 1960's....then later that night we went to the park with darien and spent a long time just enjoying the carlock stars...they are quite a sight and the fireflies were out....so beautiful. it's really an experience everyone needs to see. the constant, but random flickering is just the right mix of calmness and excitement. you never know when or where the next flicker will occur, but you know its coming soon. and the stars are so distinct and defiant. its chilling to think that everyone that has ever lived here on earth has slept under those same stars. everyone is connected.

then tonight after sarah's rehearsal....the three of us went to the movie....they project it on a big semi and everyone in the town lays out under the stars and watches it. it was like an old drive in. everyone there and just enjoying the night. that's what summer is suppose to be. actually thats what life is suppose to be. free of worry. just feeling safe and happy. i really need a reminder of that.

i love my friends.
to be able to find other people who are willing to lay for hours under the sky when there are 500 channels of junk to fill their minds with.
or people who will really talk to you....share their fears and dreams....without worrying about losing part of their heart in the process.
or even the people who will give you call even though they think your busy, because all they want is to just be with you.

these past few days i've been able to sit under a sky with a person on either side of me.

a sky that should make me feel alone and small and unimportant.

but somehow has made me feel alive and strong.

i think i needed a reminder, that we aren't alone no matter how lonely we feel.



tomorrow is sarah's wedding. crazy. i can't believe one of my closest friends over the past 8 years is getting married. i've seen her grow up completely and it just makes me feel old and makes me want to live like i am going to die tomorrow.

i don't have time to spare....none of us do.

let it roll...

i'm tired of people.

i want to move on.

everyone is so full of talk. they talk about what they want to do, what they want to be, who they are......but that's where it stops. no one ever does anything. for some reason or another they find an excuse to just stop there. to never fulfill what they are talking about. well yes...its true there are circumstances, but this is life....the only one you have. i'd really hate to wake up when i'm 80 and have a million regrets and tell my grandkids...."well i had the chance to do this....but i didn't" or "i could have be a great ____, but i was too scared".

no thank you.

i'm using the one life i have and i'm going to do things the way i want to do them. fuck what everyone else tells you to do. there is no right and wrong. its all based on someone elses terms. you decided what you think is right and what you think is wrong.

and also no one else can tell you what you'll be good at. thats something that will surprise you when the time comes.....its best to try to do whatever it is thats in your heart. thats where the real strength of greatness will come from. its from your heart that your talents will spawn. not your head.

great thinkers were albert einstein um....nixon....haha.....lindsay lohan. they are people who really use their heads. they thought out everything they did with great consideration. look where it got them.....minus einstein. were any of them really happy.

people who listened to their hearts.....jfk, martin luther king, j.k. rowling, harriet tubman.....they didn't worry about what their heads were telling them to do....they listened to their hearts. look where it got them.....some on the worlds greatest heroes.

i don't really want to go back to school. i don't care who thinks i'm smart or who think i'm capable of doing a good job of something. i'd rather be a good person. that is what is going to make me happy.

stp told be i'm going to be a runner and maybe she's right. i have an entire world to change.....why stay around in one place. there are so many people out there who could be my next best friend, they could be the one person who needs me. i'm tired of trying so hard with people who don't appreciate what i'm trying to give them. i have, however, found some great people at work. i always seem to. maybe its just the mix of random people.....from so many walks of life. they've changed me already. they all have such different stories. thats what i want....i want a story to tell people and to hear everyone else's.

oh life.
how i wish i could spend my life doing nothing but enjoying other people's company....staring for hours at the stars....listening to music....watch movies and tv.....do a lot of drugs....and make a difference....i would have been an amazing hippie.

it's a cold and it's a broken....hallelujah....

so i was talking to one of my boys last night.....i wish there were more guys like him.

i really do.

i've been so spoiled with my friends that i keep measuring everyone up to them.
i look for guys as nice as them.
for guys as caring as them.
for guys as sensitive.
who will talk to me about life and not just the same old boring stuff.
i can never find them.

anyways......back to my topic i planned on.....

we were talking and we touched on a lot of topics that i feel the need to expand on now so i'm going to.

high school friends.
very few of us know each other anymore. we are away for months at a time. see each other a few times a year and them come back in the summer for everything to go back to normal. i'm starting to see that it can't. we live such different lives. we really know nothing about each other anymore......but for some reason we still click.

BUT i can feel it getting harder and harder. being with my friends last night, who i haven't seen in a while, was different. i love being with them, but all we ever do is look for fun. we are still stuck in the high school recklessness. i'm not saying its bad....its just... with the friends i found at school i've really learned what it means to be someones friend on a much higher level. we're with each other 24/7. you can't go through a situation like that and not end up caring. at home.....its different. as right as it feels to be with everyone....i can just tell that we are getting farther and farther away from each other. there are a few exceptions of course, but we all really are in different places in life, we have different goals, we are connected though our childhood....and granted thats one of the most powerful connections. the people you lose you innocence with are scarred on your heart. they understand you in a way no one else you ever meet when your older can. at the same time though.....they don't grow with you and that is what creates the rip.

life is so unfair.
being here with my friends again has only made me hate society even more. it is so unfair. why do the best people always get shafted. some of my friends are the greatest people i know.....but they have nothing. they deserve everything.

to have to live on your own at 19, with no help from your parents, no money, 3 jobs, a family that doesn't care, and stress from trying to go to school at the same time.....well i couldn't do it. i know so many people that have to though. when i think about bradley....it makes me sick. all those kids who are at that school because their parents are paying to make them doctors.....so they can make even more money...makes me sick. kids who run around spending money like its their job.....make me sick. in their bmws. with their expensive clothes. they don't even want to be there. they just want to party and have fun. yeah.....we its not that easy for everyone. i know a lot of kids younger than them who have to worry about surviving. not about who can buy them alcohol on the weekend or where to go on vacation over spring break. i just wish they could change lives for a week.

i know how lucky i am, but i still see it. in my friends. in my family. i know whats its like to not have anything.

i feel so sorry for the suburban trust fund pre-med major with their parent's credit card.
they are living the worst life ever.
i seriously feel bad for them.
they will never survive when the time come that they have to see the world for what it is.

a sick cycle hell
where the rich get richer
the poor get poorer
and everyone resents each other

there are so many people who NEVER get a chance to be amazing....because life dealt them a shitty hand.

and there are so many shitty people who get EVERY chance.....because life dealt them an amazing hand.

why? can someone tell me. i seriously want to cry sometimes. i just want to help these people i've met who are so incredible give the world what they have to offer and i can't.

i don't deserve the life i have.
i don't deserve the money i have.
i don't deserve the parents i have.
i don't deserve the school i go to.
i don't deserve anything.

i hate it.


========================

softball.
i miss it.
it hurts.
if there was one thing in life that i was good at....it was softball.
i don't play anymore.
sometimes it makes me sad.
sometimes it doesn't.
sometime i wonder what i could have become.
then i wonder what i would have had to give up to become it.
my friends.
my life.
my dreams.
i still miss it.
i was a natural.
it was my life for 17 years.
it feel like there is a big hole now.
what's going to fill it?


um hey....i hope i pass my drug test. i think i'm psyching myself out.

and i don't think there is a better show on than scrubs.

i can feel the pressure it's getting closer now....

ok....so i'm finally feeling it.

the pressure.




this weekend we had my cousin's pre-wedding shower and it hit me that...
it's me and my cousin micah...

and now he might possible have a girlfriend (which i thought wouldn't happen for at least a few more years)
yeah....we're next to get married.
at least thats what's expected.
i'm going to be pretty upset if my 15 year old cousin chelsea gets married before me....but from the look of myspace that might not be impossible.

haha....we'll the family is just going to have to wait.


i hear all my other friends talking about it and stuff...but i've never been the one who was worried about finding someone or getting married anytime soon. AND now lately i don't appreciate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is pushing me to find someone who is perfect AND that i can be with for the rest of my life.

gah.....sick. i don't even want to think about it.

how is this so easy for some people?
they have the perfect person and easily transition into married life. they get old, have kids, live the american dream.

it is not that freaking easy! ahhhh! or is there just something wrong with me?

i was really not that worried about it until lately. until everyone started asking me if there's anyone special and i stated seeing happy couples everywhere. my friends getting married. my cousins getting married. sex. babies. jobs. uggg i'm old....but....

i want that.
i won't lie.
as much as i try to avoid it and say i don't really care....
i do.

i just suck at relationships. i'm not sure i'm programed to feel that way about anyone. even while in relationships.....i find myself caring more about my friends and just not being good at commitment to just one person. oops.

i think i'm scared. i don't want to get too involved because i'm the type of person who gets really attached. and to be perfectly honestly....i haven't found anyone i like that much. i think i've "loved" a couple people....but when i stop to really look at it. i'm not sure i could be with them forever.

the love that i seem to have for people is general. its hard and rough and unchangeable. with my friends.....i fall for them way to quickly and love them too much probably. maybe there's nothing left for that one on one relationship with a guy.

uggg...guys....they make me so angry...sometime i wish i was into girls cause i can relate so well to them and (lets be honest here) i could probably make any of them fall for me. haha. im dead serious. i always know that right things to say and what to do......but guys are so much harder. well at least these "guys" who i'm suppose to marry......not my guy friends....why is it so different? i can be me with them and not worry about life getting in the way, but all these new boys are scary and not normal. i just feel like i can't get close to them at all.

i'm not liking this whole game.....its too much of a challenge. i would prefer this part of life to be simple. thanks.....god can we work on that?


so now....unfortunately.....all the guys i meet are potentials and i hate it. i miss just being friends with boys and not worrying about marrying any of them. i don't want to get any older cause i'm not ready for this.


dammit.

this is the way i live...

so i really don't want to get in the habit of using other people's words in my blogs....but i just got done watching the movie Bobby with my parents and....wow....let me tell you....that was a great movie. the cast was incredible (i'm in love with shia lebeouf) and robert kennedy was an amazing man. his words rang out to a generation. he understood the youth of american in a way no one else could. after hearing his mindless menace of violence speech from the movie....i started to read some of his others. he was way ahead of his time. so far ahead that he was killed because people were scared of him. he spoke openly on violence and how the only way to stop violence was to cleans it from society. in others word....there is really no hope. people will always hate, they will always look at another person and judge them. there is no escaping it.

"but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul."

i think our world in a lot of trouble. we have been brought up in fear.

fear of the person standing next to us.
fear of what is different.
fear of change.

we are taught to fear what we want the most.
to want what is easy.
to take the easy is a way out.
we need an out from the fear instilled within us.

we can no longer look at another person in the eyes without questioning their motives.
our country is paranoid.
but as far as i can tell we have to be.

"When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered."

its all about fear. its why we fight with each other. why we yell. why we hurt so much.....we're all just too afraid to ask for help from one another. we see others as enemies....even our friends. they are our competition in the game of life. whether its for grades or money....attention or love. we are constantly questioning their motifs because we are frightened by them. scared they will only hurt us more. because they do and they will.

kenndy could see this. we long for happiness and contentment.....something that is found in the person sitting next to us.....but we are too scared to ask for it from them. we are too jaded to believe they will give it to us.
instead we run.
we dwell on pain because it is real.
we rely on our own strength.
we hurt.
and we never move forward.

"But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again."

I might have found a new hero tonight.
a hero in a man who was deprive of his chance to change a nation.
deprived of showing compassion to a compassion-less society.
he was a living threat to fear.
and fear destroyed him.

thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great...

so i've just been through the worst week of my life.

the absolute worst week.

i'm surprised i actually made it to be quite honest....i have a couple people i really owe a lot to. they got me through it.

i've never in my life felt so hopeless and desperate.

in a nutshell everything that could have gone wrong did.
with school.
with where i was planning to live.
with people from here.
with people from home.
with everything.

just nothing could go right. and i guess its help me to see that i can't take anything or anyone for granted because one day it/they might not be there.

i guess its probably just the stress of the end of the year and everything thats been building, but it blew up completely this year. last year was bad.....but that was the calm before the storm. i guess i just find it hard to understand. my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. i've been really blessed to have had the best friends a person could ever ask for. there are some that have moved away, some i've grow apart from, and some i've just found to not get along with as well anymore......but in general they have been amazing. thats why i guess i have a hard time giving up on friendships.

i fight for them....until i can't anymore.

i'm almost the point where i can't.....physically, emotionally, and mentally.

the hardest thing to have to go through is the realization that you care about someone more than they care about you.
the other hardest thing is realizing that people care more about you than you do about them.

neither one of them is something that is controllable. i'm a big believer that we find the people we are suppose to find....and that we need certain people for unique reasons to that relationship. thats why i don't do "best friends." i hate that term because all of my friends are equally important to me. i couldn't just pick one who is the best because who can really judge best....

the person who i like the best.
the person who treats me the best.
the person who is the "best" type of friend.

there is no way to define it.


i hate hate hate when people group people together in these friend groups. its so junior high. we all are adults now. we can be friends with who we want. when you start basing your relationship with one person on your relationship with someone else.....it only turns out bad. because they aren't the same person. give everyone what they deserve......a friendship with you and only you.




i'm a protective person. i could care less about myself....but having to watch people i love be in pain....sends me over the edge. too much of that has been going on in this past week. i think thats the main reason i've been feeling so shitty. that and the fact that people don't understand how they effect others. thats a big problem here. you can't do something and not expect it to have backlash on everyone. people have to take a second to think about everyone and not just what will be best for them....because most of the time it won't be good for everyone else. thats where you have the choice....

do whats best for you

or

do whats best for everyone else


i don't know what the right answer is. there really isn't one i guess. it's all a matter of choice.


anyways.....enough babbling over......topics that will always be an issue.
i used to always want an exciting drama filled life like the shows on tv and now that i have one....well its not exactly what i expected. i didn't want it to hurt as much as it does.

but its going to be a great summer...i can feel it.
i plan on seeing everyone at home that i miss so much....hopefully they can get me back on track.

i plan on seeing my family (extended too) a lot and taking in the love from them...watching my cousin get married....and watching the little ones grow up. i will be praying that when they are 20 and in their 2nd year of college they won't have to go through anything i have.

i plan on taking advantage of kirsten and steph being down here. that will be good time.

i plan on moving into the house that i'm living in. i'm super excited. i've got 2 amazing people who are going to share this experience with me.

i plan on working and meeting new people.

i plan on enjoying life again. i've missed that feeling.


anyways....just thought i should update...there is way more i want to say, but again.....sometimes commentating on life is just not as important as living it.