waiting for attention...i'm not...cut it to the left and i rock

so i guess whenever i get to the point where i just have no idea where to turn or what to do....i should just put in the finale of dawson's creek because somewhere within the 2 hours of glorified angst-ridden relationship horror the answer to life's most dangerous question is found.....

the question.....why?
the answer.....love.

and this is life's only truth.

i started crying about 5 minutes in and stop about 5 minutes after. the story line is sad, but that wasn't why. it was showing me once again.....that i am here...whether i like it or not. whether i'm happy or not.

Jen: You're suffering from a bad case of "is this is?"
Pacey: You think?
Jen: Yeah...I gotta tell you this IS it. This is definitely it so you should make the most of it.....as much as you want to you can't rely on someone else to make you feel alive...it's an inside job.

unfortunately this is exactly what i've been dealing with this whole year.

this is not what i planned my life at 21 to be. this is not what i dreamed of. i'm not where i wanted to be. i'm not with who i wanted to be with. i'm not doing what i wanted to do. i just feel like.......is this it? is this really it? is this all i'm going to get?

and right now.....it is.
and its pretty freaking good even thought i can't always see it. i've got family, friends, love, hope, faith, life, health, happiness, home, dreams, drama, anger, pain.....everything that life is suppose to be. what i need to do is just get over it and live in the now because at some point i'm going to look around and be alone and realize that if only i had appreciated what i had when i had it i could have avoided all the regret in my life.

you know.....its funny. when we love people we wish constantly for their happiness. that is....until we end up somehow sitting alone in a room filled with happy people being the only one miserable. we wonder how it is it got to that point and THAT is the definition of dark blue. it's the fake smiles and white lies we use to keep everyone happy and with that i am back to the reason i started this blog....hmm....empty smiles and a lack of sleep. i'm definitely not sleeping again. at least this time i know why.

soooo there is it. what has to be changed. i can't be that selfish and that is what dawson's creek has once again reminded me of. that i'm not alone as much as i try to subliminally tell myself that i am. there's a handful of people who will continue to stand by me no matter how hard i try to push them away. i guess as things change without me i feel like i get pushed aside.....which might be true.....but aside is not behind and that is what i have to accept.

it's amazing how blinding love is. blind to flaws, blind to others, blind to ourselves. being on the outside is rough because unfortunately you still have your contacts in. you can still see the flaws, the feelings of others, everything......but another part of life is trust and i will trust until i'm given a reason not to. then i will kick ass. haha.


sometimes i wonder where we're all going to be in five years.....will we all be meeting up in bars to relive our pasts, are we really going to be living out our dream jobs, reconnecting with our soulmates, still pining away in silence for the only person we've ever loved, getting married, dying.......are we even going to still be in contact with each other? i would like to believe that soapy tv gets it right every once in a while and that we will be. its kinda scares me.....to look back and see how much things can change in a year....think about five.

oh life.
i guess the only answer is to hold on as tightly as you can to the people that make you feel like your 15 again and that life is somehow worth it.....


Jen- "I just want the 3 of you to stay friends... and I hope you stay in touch. Never forget what you mean to each other and the effect that you've had on each other's lives. So friendship can really never be over or underestimated."


i'm not really feeling that great....i think i'm getting sick. i couldn't even stay awake to watch hairspray. so i'm stopping....i just wanted to pour out some thoughts. i had a whole other thing i was planning on writing about instead of this. i guess that will have to wait until later....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

hope you enjoyed the old pics....haha...look how young we looked. crazy.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

i randomly teared up today when i was talking to my friend on aim...wow....the power of technology.

20/20 hindsight.

its incredible how clear everything that once seemed so blurry can become when you just give it time and truth. i went to church last sunday and of course it put me into "deeper-meaning mode." what is it about religion that does that? maybe it just the want for the world to give you answers to all the questions you keep asking?

anyways.....it got me thinking about how we are never satisfied with what we have. we always are reaching for something better....something more.....something that will make us happy. the problem is we just keep reaching. we rarely take time to appreciate the greatness of what is or what was because we're too concerned with the pain of what could be.

thats where hindsight comes in.

its amazing how it can blindside you at 8:32 at night on some random tuesday via a string of words printed on your computer screen.

for as much complaining as i do.....i have much more to be grateful for. its sad i can't find the courage to admit it.


i find myself asking God a lot of the time...
why i'm in this position?
why am i here?
how am i suppose to help this person?
am i suppose to be letting them help me?
is this part of "the plan"?
......it can't be...because life is sucking balls right now and i'm not happy.

it's....i guess....alright (thats the best word to describe it) when you realize that you were wrong and God did have a plan the whole time.

as i look back on these past 2 and half years that have made up this whirlwind of college life...i'm starting to realize that everything has been part of "the plan." even those times i swore i was going to jump of the top of the GCC.....splat. i guess its good i didn't.

the words said out of anger, the fights, the periods of extended silence, the awkwardness, the unhappiness.....all mean nothing to me anymore because tonight i figured something out. God was on MY side. he knew who i needed on my team and picked them out for me. he just wanted me to find them on my own. there really is nothing else that could explain it when i really stop and think about it.

and here is me...stopping and thinking...
we find the people we are suppose to find. we lose those we are suppose to lose.

freshman year i had a bitch of a roommate. she was angry all the time, depressed, never talked to me. i had to force her to go places with me and after a year....i still couldn't tell if she liked me or not. i didn't want out.....but sometimes i wish i had a different roommate. 2 years later....that girl is one of my closest friends. i'm not sure if we tried or we just grew into it, but i can't really explain it or why it happened. she understands in a way that no one else does.....not just about freshman year, but me in general. after living together for 2 years....one year in silence and one year in awkwardness.....its fused into a history that is probably my favorite with anyone i've ever known. if someone would have asked me the 3rd week of freshman year if we were going to end up being good friends....i would have taken bets on no. if someone would have asked me the summer after freshman year....i still would have said no. if someone would have asked me the last week of sophomore year.....i would have said absolutely not. ask me right now?

yes. she keeps me sane.


so theres was a girl that went to my high school. i never really talked to her much until senior year. we were friends by association.....so we found out we were both going to bradley. sweet. we hung out a few times and ended the summer with "we should hang out after we both get moved into the dorm." "ok...why not?" yeah that "why not" turned into "why don't you become my 'best friend'(gag....sorry i hate that term)?" we've had a long 3 years of ups ands down as well. if someone would have asked me senior year if we were going to be good friends.....i would have taken bets no. if someone would have asked me the end of freshman year....if would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me the middle of sophomore year....i would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me this summer....i would have said she drives me crazy. ask me now?

she still drives me crazy.....but if she didn't i wouldn't be able to make it.

and then there's this new girl. i didn't really know much about her until maybe a couple months ago. i've known her since freshman year, but there was always been something between us. time, distance, people....who knows. so junior year comes around.....we become pretty good friends. not bffs, but she was definitely my favorite new addition to my life. shit goes down and all of a sudden i'm living with her and only her in a huge house for the next 2 years. all time, distance, and people are removed and i left scared to death of this little girl who about as far from scary as eminem is from george w. bush. i'm just not a fan of one of one time with people i don't know. i was like cool God....what do i have in common with girl?

ask me now?

how did i manage to survive without her?


its amazing how things turn out. when i think about who ended up with who after the hell that was last year.....i smile. someone knew who needed each other and they knew way before any of us ever figured it out. in rage we chose sides and i guess sometimes you have to listen to your heart. i look at my ex-roommate and i look at my high school friend and i know they are helping each other in ways they don't even realize. sometimes i get sad that i can't look behind me and see my ex-roommate sleeping or watching animal planet. sometime i get sad we don't have anymore crazy back to back aim conversation. sometime i get sad i that i strangely understand her now. and my high school friend....sometime i get sad that she doesn't come to me right away anymore. sometime i get sad that we're actually functional friends. most of the time though i'm happy for them. as for me....God knew who i needed/what i needed/how i needed it and i see it now. she's changed me more than she'll ever know. all for the better. i'd like to think that in some way i changed her too. whether its true or not? i guess its just more poetic to go with yes.

and there are a handful of others intertwined in these stories who have affected me just as much and who i wouldn't trade a second or any of the good or the bad for anything. they have equally made a difference in my life too. like i said....we meet the people we are suppose meet.

so anyways that was my sappy.....shoutouts blog. you can kill yourself now for reading it.

i like thinking that life has some deeper meaning.

sue me.



oh yeah.....derek williams.

silent all these years...

so today has been a different day.

i woke up exhausted. like completely drained. i'm not quite sure what is going on.


anyways the whole day i was kinda blah...i didn't want to go deal with anything. i just wanted to lay down and not have to talk to anyone. but i sucked it up....and went...cause what other choice did i have....


anyways it was good i did because for about 3 hours tonight i was happier than i have been in a long time...i'm starting to feel like i'm developing a separate life again....kinda like with drama in high school. we had our first anti-alias meeting tonight which basically means we (multimedia students) hang out...have fun....help each other. i love the people who are in my major...yes even the ex. its so nice and comforting to be around them. to be able to talk about things that your normal friends would care less about. its amazing how close you can become by looking at each others divs, getting advice on shadows, and understanding the importance of 4 gigs of ram. i really love my job too. i love the people i work with. i remember feeling very intimidated at the beginning of the year just cause i was the new person, but now i've finally gotten comfortable enough with them to joke around and really feel like a part of that group. i remember being a freshman and thinking whoa....those people that work there must be really awesome and good at this. haha lies. its kinda funny that its me now. i guess i kinda like pseudo-power and knowing who everyone is. it feels much more like a family. all my co-workers are great. i'm marrying trevor.....he doesn't know it yet. i hope he randomly stalks me and sees this though. and the girls i work with....amazing. all of them are incredible at what they do and super funny. its weird cause being a multimedia student means you are required to have certain traits and certain interests. its just so very different to meet girls who are like me.

on the downside of today...

do you ever wish you could...
say just the right thing that would fix everything?
say just the right thing that would make someone else understand?
say just the right thing to start the conversation?
say just the right thing to end a conversation?
say just the right thing to tell someone how you feel?
say just the right thing that wouldn't scare someone away?
say just the right thing to make someone else fall in love?
say just the right thing that would rip someone apart?
say just the right thing that would make the other person need you?
say just the right thing that would make the other person want you?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than him?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than her?
say just the right thing to not sound selfish?
say just the right thing to make everything better?
say just the right thing that would make the moment?
say just the right thing that would convince yourself that you don't feel anything?

sometimes i have so much to say, but i just can't say it. there are times when i have everything on my mind, yet i don't know how to form sentences. it makes me feel very alone. is there a point where you run out of things to say or a point where what wants to be said just doesn't happen.

everyone is off on other people tangents....maybe i'm just a little jealous. i guess i can't help it. its not fair to make someone be everything to everyone.....however thats the reason everyone gets hurt. everyone wants to mean everything to everyone.

come together....right now....over me....

ok so i know its been forever....more than a month....gross.

well the thing is....i've been really happy. being really happy doesn't go hand in hand with the whole blog idealism thus i really haven't had anything to complain about/write about. but i've decided that good writer should take the good with the bad and keep on writing no matter how boringly content they might be....

so....
yes.
what to say?

well....do you ever get to that point where you feel like you're missing something? i'm starting to feel that again. i'm not quite sure what it is. so much has been going on recently that it could be one or maybe any combination of these momentary life glitches that i've been having recently:

1.) everybody seems to be needing someone else. it just seems like what has been ok....even more than ok for a while.....is starting to make us a little edgy. with no friends to fight with....everyone has moved onto the new big bad....the fate worse than best friends.....boys. i'm pretty easy going when it come to this topic....however.....with 4 sexually charged females in repeated close proximity, i seem to be getting a little on edge as well. i'm fine with the whole non-relationship thing. i tend to not do well with them anyways (which i was so graciously reminded of this week.....thanks buddy). for me i just don't understand. the only difference i see in these relationships with significant others and relationships with friends is sex. maybe that why i have such a hard time finding one to get into.

anyways......this is what i hate....now when i meet guys
its not....

"oh.....i wonder if i could be friends with him"

it's....

"oh.....i wonder if i could get into a relationship with him that lasts more than a year, marry him, stay with him for the rest of my life, and not want to secretly strangle him in his sleep with out children sleeping in the next room"

see why this is sooooo difficult and i hate it.
this is not how i want to think.

ya know what i blame......the age 21.
it blows and i think i'm going through some quarter life crisis because i seem to have all of a sudden started to question everything i thought i was ok about.

2.) i had gotten to the point where i had almost given into the notion that college life was something that was real and true.....but a semester later and lots of quality time with 3 other amazing people and i've changed my mind. its take a lot of courage to stand up for what you think it right. its even harder to stand up when your friends are the ones trying to pull you down. i've gotten really lucky this semester and found some people who have helped pull me back.


i want to be a good person.
no....i want to be a great person.
i want to NOT give into whats wrong just because its so much easier.
i want to be someone that other people can look at and say, "wow she is a genuinely good person"
i want to be a good example.
its been years since i've said that. i've been called a bad influence and taken pride in the fact that...."well at least i have fun" one too many times.

when did it become cool to be bad? and why do so many of us fall in line?

3.) i dislike this school. for real. i feel like i have shitty teachers and am getting a pretty shitty education for a school that is suppose to be ranked like way up there. what department is that based on? definitely not mine. i came to this school knowing that i would be sacrificing what i wanted to do for close proximity so i dont know why im complaining....oh wait....i do. i'm complaining because i'm 21 years old and i don't know what i want to do with my life. i thought i had some idea.....nope. i want to travel the world and meet new people. i want to have fun and be with my family and friends......is that not a major?

4.) no its not.....in fact what i am majoring in is.......how to choose between people you love.....and a career. this is the downfall of what i want to be (well what i thought i wanted to be). in 1.5 years i will be done with college and expected to live in this real world. um......i'm scared. i also know that in this 1.5 years i will have to have built up enough courage to walk away from everyone that means anything to me. its the price of art and it always has been. this is the real reason i can't decide what i want to do with my life because i don't know if i'm strong enough to walk away.

5.) this brings me to another issue. attachment. i told myself i wouldn't. i said no....not on this one and not at this time. it will only end up hurting you. well guess who is getting attached? yes i am and i will admit it.....fuck........its impossible not to and anyone who meets this person understands why. the problem is what will happen next semester when the reality of life sinks back in and this nice little paradise alternate universe gets shattered once again. i don't want to lose this person who i lay a huge chunk of my life dependency on and i have a feeling i will. they say not to put too much of yourself into someone else too quickly because it will only come back to bite you in the ass. they are probably right......but i can't help it and i don't want to stop. maybe i'll just have to fight when the time comes. this time i think its worth it. i have to.....because this has been probably one the greatest friendship i've ever experienced.

6.) this semester has been amazing. i've actually felt alive and happy. i have great people to spend time with and i just keep meeting more and more. i'm scared of losing them....all of them. i also keep thinking about the ones i've lost contact with......its been bothering me. enough to start texting. so we'll see what trouble i get myself into.

anyways.....all this stuff has been floating around inside my head for the past few weeks. i guess its good i got some of it out....

haha so that came a lot easier than i thought...
sweet.

i guess ill be done for now.