well the thing is....i've been really happy. being really happy doesn't go hand in hand with the whole blog idealism thus i really haven't had anything to complain about/write about. but i've decided that good writer should take the good with the bad and keep on writing no matter how boringly content they might be....
so....
yes.
what to say?
well....do you ever get to that point where you feel like you're missing something? i'm starting to feel that again. i'm not quite sure what it is. so much has been going on recently that it could be one or maybe any combination of these momentary life glitches that i've been having recently:
1.) everybody seems to be needing someone else. it just seems like what has been ok....even more than ok for a while.....is starting to make us a little edgy. with no friends to fight with....everyone has moved onto the new big bad....the fate worse than best friends.....boys. i'm pretty easy going when it come to this topic....however.....with 4 sexually charged females in repeated close proximity, i seem to be getting a little on edge as well. i'm fine with the whole non-relationship thing. i tend to not do well with them anyways (which i was so graciously reminded of this week.....thanks buddy). for me i just don't understand. the only difference i see in these relationships with significant others and relationships with friends is sex. maybe that why i have such a hard time finding one to get into.
anyways......this is what i hate....now when i meet guys
its not....
"oh.....i wonder if i could be friends with him"
it's....
"oh.....i wonder if i could get into a relationship with him that lasts more than a year, marry him, stay with him for the rest of my life, and not want to secretly strangle him in his sleep with out children sleeping in the next room"
see why this is sooooo difficult and i hate it.
this is not how i want to think.
ya know what i blame......the age 21.
it blows and i think i'm going through some quarter life crisis because i seem to have all of a sudden started to question everything i thought i was ok about.
2.) i had gotten to the point where i had almost given into the notion that college life was something that was real and true.....but a semester later and lots of quality time with 3 other amazing people and i've changed my mind. its take a lot of courage to stand up for what you think it right. its even harder to stand up when your friends are the ones trying to pull you down. i've gotten really lucky this semester and found some people who have helped pull me back.
i want to be a good person.
no....i want to be a great person.
i want to NOT give into whats wrong just because its so much easier.
i want to be someone that other people can look at and say, "wow she is a genuinely good person"
i want to be a good example.
its been years since i've said that. i've been called a bad influence and taken pride in the fact that...."well at least i have fun" one too many times.
when did it become cool to be bad? and why do so many of us fall in line?
3.) i dislike this school. for real. i feel like i have shitty teachers and am getting a pretty shitty education for a school that is suppose to be ranked like way up there. what department is that based on? definitely not mine. i came to this school knowing that i would be sacrificing what i wanted to do for close proximity so i dont know why im complaining....oh wait....i do. i'm complaining because i'm 21 years old and i don't know what i want to do with my life. i thought i had some idea.....nope. i want to travel the world and meet new people. i want to have fun and be with my family and friends......is that not a major?
4.) no its not.....in fact what i am majoring in is.......how to choose between people you love.....and a career. this is the downfall of what i want to be (well what i thought i wanted to be). in 1.5 years i will be done with college and expected to live in this real world. um......i'm scared. i also know that in this 1.5 years i will have to have built up enough courage to walk away from everyone that means anything to me. its the price of art and it always has been. this is the real reason i can't decide what i want to do with my life because i don't know if i'm strong enough to walk away.
5.) this brings me to anot
her issue. attachment. i told myself i wouldn't. i said no....not on this one and not at this time. it will only end up hurting you. well guess who is getting attached? yes i am and i will admit it.....fuck........its impossible not to and anyone who meets this person understands why. the problem is what will happen next semester when the reality of life sinks back in and this nice little paradise alternate universe gets shattered once again. i don't want to lose this person who i lay a huge chunk of my life dependency on and i have a feeling i will. they say not to put too much of yourself into someone else too quickly because it will only come back to bite you in the ass. they are probably right......but i can't help it and i don't want to stop. maybe i'll just have to fight when the time comes. this time i think its worth it. i have to.....because this has been probably one the greatest friendship i've ever experienced.6.) this semester has been amazing. i've actually felt alive and happy. i have great people to spend time with and i just keep meeting more and more. i'm scared of losing them....all of them. i also keep thinking about the ones i've lost contact with......its been bothering me. enough to start texting. so we'll see what trouble i get myself into.
anyways.....all this stuff has been floating around inside my head for the past few weeks. i guess its good i got some of it out....
haha so that came a lot easier than i thought...
sweet.
i guess ill be done for now.
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