you have one wing....i have another....

so i've turned 21 and now it's past.

i don't really feel that much different.

i guess.....i shouldn't have expected 21 to be any different.

i have a record with sucky birthdays. i'm to the point where i just expect it to blow and it does and i don't really feel that bad about it. this years was actually one of the best ones i've had

i didn't have my family with me...
i didn't have my friends with me...
all i had was an acquaintance with a good story and couple years on me. we got to experience a blo/no bar together since she's not from around here. a free birthday shot and a beer.

but i find it really ironic....
to spend that one day of your life thats suppose to be some huge deal at work and then out with a girl i barely even knew....truth be told i wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

because depending on people you care about to make your life happy isn't what life is really about. most of the time youre left standing on your own. your family isn't going to always be there and your friends aren't either. they will have their own lives to worry about. you're just alone. left with regrets and people who constantly let you down. i think the fact that i stood on my own today was strangely the right thing to do. to celebrate the transition into adulthood still sheltered by what you know and who you trust isn't accurate. it isn't what life is. tonight was NOT about celebrating the loss of my childhood with what i knew and love.....it was about celebrating the start of my adulthood standing on my own.

i thought i was going to be upset that i didn't get drunk off my ass or do a powerhour or barhop with all my friends....but i'm not. granted i won't have that special 21st birthday story, but i will have a good one. i got to know a new person a little bit better and didn't do the expected......ACTUALLY that sounds about right for me.

i wish everyone would experience their 21st like that, but now that i'm 21.....i guess they can't. because i've decided that regardless of where i am or what i'm doing i'll be the first person to buy them a drink.

i have to.

i'm too protective of them to not.


today might have be the first happy birthday i've had.

at midnight i was with three people who i'm glad we're the first people to wish me a happy birthday.
i spent the day with my mom....who i love.
i went to work and got my life experience. i hung out with my little sister.
then closed the night with what i explained above.

this whole week has been pretty grand. i love everyone and thank you for making this a good start to a new year.

21 and invincible...

I'm 21 years old.

damn.

life check.

culture shock.

fuck.

Beautiful Girl....close your mind....

so whats been going on with me?
a lot.....and nothing at all.
for the most part.
i get up around noon....go to work at 4....work until 11ish...come home....go to bed...and repeat the same thing the next day.

but for my life being mostly that...its been not boring at all.
in fact.....i've been really happy with my life recently.

i'm going to be 21 in 2 days.
21.
legal.
old.
and adult.

its been throwing me for a loop thats for sure.
alcohol won't bring the needed sense of rebellion anymore.
does that mean i need to turn to something else?
haha....the right thing to say is no.
but i've changed a lot of my views this summer.
actually over the past year....i've really broken down a lot of my set morals. i'm finally seeing that i need to be the one to decided what i think is right and wrong. i'm not just going to follow blindly anymore. now i'm not saying i've lost who i am. its just now i have morals that i believe in....on my own.

turning 21 is going to be a pretty easy transition for me.
i have like no friends who are older than me.
this summer pretty much everyone i hang out with is a good 1-2 years younger than me.
i don't think it's bad at all.....it keeps me young.
it also make me feel even more grown up. i can't help but want to protect all of these people that mean sooooo much to me. they're becoming my little brothers and sisters. they haven't see what i have yet. they haven't felt that first big disappointment....some haven't even had they're heart broken. if they only knew what they were in for........

but thats the beauty of it all.

they're just starting to feel the pain that comes with growing up.
they are learning how to really love.
and how to let go of those they thought would be there forever.
people change and grow up.
i love seeing it happen.

and the best part of it all......they see me in a way that others don't.


they say the people you need to fear are your friends and not your enemies because enemies can only take your life....friends can take your heart. the latter hurts much more. i've been able to really reconnect with a lot of my old friends, but others i can't help but feel like i'm growing more and more distant from them.

it's hard for me to believe they care as much as they should (or at least as much as i deserve) when i have other friends that drop what they are doing to help me and take the time they don't have to talk to me. its the difference between having time and making time. i have one group of friends that make time. its just easy for us to be together. the other group has troubling finding time to be together. i don't really know how to react to this. but what i do know is....

the way these two different friend groups work are totally different. i know its wrong to compare them to each other, but i can't help but do it. and its sad because i love them all the same.


on another note.....

i've come to another conclusion.

hugs. you can tell everything about your relationship with another person by what it feel like when you hug them. i use to just think that some people were just good at hugging and other people weren't, but i don't think thats it anymore because i can feel how hugs from different people have changed.

i've been experiencing a lot of different type of hugs recently:

there is the real hug. usually with someone you feel completely comfortable with. it feel easy and automatic. you don't feel the need to let go.

there is the stranger/friend hug. with someone you don't really know very well, but when you hug them you can tell that you'll end up being friends because it feels surprisingly real and easy.

there is the stranger/not friend hus. with someone you don't really know very well and it feels awkward and not that great.

there is the changed hug. with someone you use to feel comfortable with, but now that you both have changed.....the hug still feels familiar, but there is a need to pull away faster than before.

there is the wanting to open up hug. it is between people slowing becoming friends. it kinda feels like a first kiss. awkward, but vulerable.

there is the safe hug. with very few people. when you hug them you feel completely safe and protected.

there is the protecting hug. with very few people as well. when you hug them you can tell they feel safe and protected.


haha ok. that is my new theory.


i want to be a hippie.
i was born in the wrong time period.
i want to protest.
i want to live free.
i want to change the world.

live like you were dying...

i've really been embracing the small town life that last couple days.

i love it.

if i ever get a family i want to raise my kids in a small town....i think it just makes you a different type of person. a dreamer. a person with a genuine love inside of them.

anyways carlock.....haha....well lets just say it has it's own beauty. it might be known for its drug dealers and people without purpose, but in fact the heart is big within it. thursday i hung out with shane and we walked around and went to the restaurant to get cokes....haha i felt like i was back in the 1960's....then later that night we went to the park with darien and spent a long time just enjoying the carlock stars...they are quite a sight and the fireflies were out....so beautiful. it's really an experience everyone needs to see. the constant, but random flickering is just the right mix of calmness and excitement. you never know when or where the next flicker will occur, but you know its coming soon. and the stars are so distinct and defiant. its chilling to think that everyone that has ever lived here on earth has slept under those same stars. everyone is connected.

then tonight after sarah's rehearsal....the three of us went to the movie....they project it on a big semi and everyone in the town lays out under the stars and watches it. it was like an old drive in. everyone there and just enjoying the night. that's what summer is suppose to be. actually thats what life is suppose to be. free of worry. just feeling safe and happy. i really need a reminder of that.

i love my friends.
to be able to find other people who are willing to lay for hours under the sky when there are 500 channels of junk to fill their minds with.
or people who will really talk to you....share their fears and dreams....without worrying about losing part of their heart in the process.
or even the people who will give you call even though they think your busy, because all they want is to just be with you.

these past few days i've been able to sit under a sky with a person on either side of me.

a sky that should make me feel alone and small and unimportant.

but somehow has made me feel alive and strong.

i think i needed a reminder, that we aren't alone no matter how lonely we feel.



tomorrow is sarah's wedding. crazy. i can't believe one of my closest friends over the past 8 years is getting married. i've seen her grow up completely and it just makes me feel old and makes me want to live like i am going to die tomorrow.

i don't have time to spare....none of us do.

let it roll...

i'm tired of people.

i want to move on.

everyone is so full of talk. they talk about what they want to do, what they want to be, who they are......but that's where it stops. no one ever does anything. for some reason or another they find an excuse to just stop there. to never fulfill what they are talking about. well yes...its true there are circumstances, but this is life....the only one you have. i'd really hate to wake up when i'm 80 and have a million regrets and tell my grandkids...."well i had the chance to do this....but i didn't" or "i could have be a great ____, but i was too scared".

no thank you.

i'm using the one life i have and i'm going to do things the way i want to do them. fuck what everyone else tells you to do. there is no right and wrong. its all based on someone elses terms. you decided what you think is right and what you think is wrong.

and also no one else can tell you what you'll be good at. thats something that will surprise you when the time comes.....its best to try to do whatever it is thats in your heart. thats where the real strength of greatness will come from. its from your heart that your talents will spawn. not your head.

great thinkers were albert einstein um....nixon....haha.....lindsay lohan. they are people who really use their heads. they thought out everything they did with great consideration. look where it got them.....minus einstein. were any of them really happy.

people who listened to their hearts.....jfk, martin luther king, j.k. rowling, harriet tubman.....they didn't worry about what their heads were telling them to do....they listened to their hearts. look where it got them.....some on the worlds greatest heroes.

i don't really want to go back to school. i don't care who thinks i'm smart or who think i'm capable of doing a good job of something. i'd rather be a good person. that is what is going to make me happy.

stp told be i'm going to be a runner and maybe she's right. i have an entire world to change.....why stay around in one place. there are so many people out there who could be my next best friend, they could be the one person who needs me. i'm tired of trying so hard with people who don't appreciate what i'm trying to give them. i have, however, found some great people at work. i always seem to. maybe its just the mix of random people.....from so many walks of life. they've changed me already. they all have such different stories. thats what i want....i want a story to tell people and to hear everyone else's.

oh life.
how i wish i could spend my life doing nothing but enjoying other people's company....staring for hours at the stars....listening to music....watch movies and tv.....do a lot of drugs....and make a difference....i would have been an amazing hippie.