your only counting the clock against the train....

....and i'm miserable.


god. i feel so miserable.

fuck.

what is it that i need anymore? who is it?



i feel.......i don't know....bad....i guess. just bad. nothing else really. i'm happy at times. sad too. but overall just bad. i don't know what's happened to me.

when did i turn into this person i've become?
this isn't me.

it can't be.

i'm so tired of feeling like this.....this whatever it is. emptiness.....incompleteness. i feel like i have no reason for being here.

i'm tired of not being the person my parents thought they raised.
i'm tired of not being the friend i'm suppose to be.
i'm tired of lying.
i'm tired of cheating.
i'm tired of trying so fucking hard.
i'm tired of giving up on people.
i'm tired of accepting.
i'm tired of settling for less.....from me, from my friends, from my life.
i'm just so fucking tired of everything.

who the hell have i become?

as i drove home tonight....the thunder crashed around me, the lighting illuminated the sky with brilliant flashes every 5 seconds, and the rain poured down just hard enough to rinse away the dirty cover i've put over my life. i guess i've been hiding....but tonight i could see ME or rather who i've become. i feel like i don't know me anymore.

i use to love storms. it was always like the world was releasing all it's anger. it was so raw....so painful. the last night of summer before i went to college freshman year there was a huge storm. my friends and i were having a "youth fellowship" thing out at comalara park. i knew that night was the last night of my childhood.

it was a calm day....but as night rolled around the weather got worse and worse. by sunset....the clouds finally gave up and released the greatest storm i've ever seen. we had watched it roll in and at the first crash of thunder.....we didn't run for our cars.....we ran for the giant open grassy area. we spent the next 30 minutes or so running around in the middle of this open area with thunder booming, lighting striking all over, rain coming down in the biggest drops i've ever seen. the energy of the world was incredible, it was complete chaos. i've never in my whole life felt so at ease. in the midst of this madness.....i stood.

not afraid....because i could feel god all around me.
not alone....because the yells from my friends echoed deep in my heart.
not confused....because i knew exactly who i was.
not bored....because my whole life lay out in front of me.
not tired....because nothing could wear me out.

that was the last time in my life.....i could look anyone in the eyes and tell them i was truly happy.

i've spent the last two years chasing that night.
running from that night.
falling from that night.
haunted by that night.

i'm so fucking tired. the past two years have wore me out. they've crushed my dreams. confused me. ripped away god, my friends, my life and left me here.

theres something missing.


one of my favorite lines...from any movie....ever... is from now and then....the women, looking back on her childhood says, "as we grow older....it becomes harder for us to believe, not because we don't want to, but too much has happened that we can't." thats one of the only true revelations i've ever heard.

sitting here i want so much to believe the way i use to. i want to believe that god has a plan for me. i want to believe that we are lead to the people we are suppose to be with. i want to believe that my dreams can come true. i want to believe that true friendship never dies. i want to believe that love endures all.

it seemed so easy back then. the world seemed so big. love seemed stronger. forever was something that could be promised...for real.

forever doesn't seem tangible anymore. somewhere i lost the faith buried deep inside me and now i run around with it on my sleeve. rain is just rain.

these last two years have been so draining i think i've stopped fighting. in high school i fought so hard for everything. in softball....i fought to be the best. in school...i fought to impress. with my parents...i fought for my freedom. with my friends....i fought for their friendship.

i forget about that sometimes. how hard it was.

in the last week....i've been told about 3 times by people that they never expected to be my friend....which in fact meant they never wanted to be, but i fought them....i guess i showed them that i could be a good friend (whether they wanted it...or not) it was ME who needed THEM. what else could i do?

hanging out with dylan and stormie today.....reminded me how hard i felt i had to fight to get them to be my friends. we were never suppose to be, but i saw something different in them....something better. i wanted it and i didn't let anything stop me. i guess i was just selfish. the same with bekah.....as i sat next to her in the movie tonight....i couldn't help but think.....geez....the fight i fought for this. it's not just them...its almost everyone that means something to me. and now.....

i'm nothing like the person who used to fight for them. i've lost the drive to be the good friend. i feel guilty for fighting so hard and leaving them with this....

i'm not who you're looking at.
thats not me.
i promise you....i can be so much better than this.
you know me....you know i can be better.


who is this i have become?
i've become someone obsessed with living my mediocre life. when i moved away, i moved away from my faith. without faith it become so easy to let more powerful things take control.

things like homework/school....caring more about getting my project done than taking a second to really listen to what someone is trying to tell me. i would have used to stop whatever i was doing to listen.

things like self-destruction....needing to feel bad. needing to feel pain to explain the emptiness. the alcohol, the drugs, the lustful actions.....are so cliche, but they work. thats why they are so abundant. i'm caring more about me feeling bad....than other people feeling good.

things like lack of strong beliefs....abandoning my morals. from seeing so much....i've changed a lot of my views on life, but now i feel so lost without them.

things like judging.....i hate judging, but i can't help but do it now. that was a big part of who i use to be. i didn't judge. all the fighting i did for my friends....it was against the judgment of my other friends. against the judgment of my parents. against the judgment of my mind. i followed my heart and let it find who it wanted to find. now i'm too worry what everything thinks. damn it.

i used to like me. i've been told i carry around a demeanor of being a cooler person than everyone else. though i'm not proud of this....i could see that i do it....but i did it because i genuinely liked who i was. now that i'm not the biggest fan of myself and the fact that i still act that way....makes me an jackass or maybe a hypocrite.

how is anyone my friend? i'm not sure i'd be my friend anymore.

i have to change. i want me back.

i want to be able to stand in the middle of chaos and feel at ease. i want god to keep me safe. i want my friends to hold my hand. i want to know who i am and see my whole life ahead of me. i don't want to be so fucking tired.

thats where my happiness lies. chasing time in the middle of a grassy field with the world crashing down around me without a care in the world.

how can i ever get that back?

i guess i'm going to fight again.
my parents deserve the person they raised.
my old friends deserve the person they knew.
my new friends deserve the better side of me they've never seen.
and i want to be the type of person people remember for being a good person....and for my little cousins....a good role model.

slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball...

you can't go home again.....


.....yet home is where the heart is.


where does that leave the heart?

left behind? forgotten? disregarded? or just in a different place and time?


just when i thought i was ready to embrace my college life as my real one.....


it's amazing how easy it is to forget how much we need people. when were away for long periods of time we are able to use the distance and the time as an almost effortless, painless road out.

...but then maybe its just me.

i seem to depend on the people who are standing next to me....maybe thats just the easy way out. it doesn't give me any room to get hurt or get let down. i just take whats there and make it seem like its what i wanted all along. its not fair. to anyone.

i've left so many stories unfinished....

i can always get to the middle, but i can't ever find an appropriate ending. that ending that makes all the words prior...mean something. i usually stuff it away and only look back on it for the nostalgia it conjures.

i have so many stories here....unfinished ones....ones i feel like i've stuffed away.

the one about the girl who took me under her wing and taught me the meaning of friendship.
the one about the boy who made every moment the next great adventure.
the one about the young woman who tamed my angry life with her talk of beauty.
the one about the young man who opened my heart.
the one about the little girl who gave me a reason to be a better person.

and these are just the main ones...

i have so many more just like this.....written to the middle and then...


we never get enough time.
people grow up.
they change.
life moves forward.
we move away.
new chapters become fewer and farther between.
we're forced to put a "the end" on the stories.
the most powerful ones can only ever buy us a "to be continued"
when do we ever get a "happily ever after"?



i've never gotten the ending Disney promised me 12 years ago....

and despite it...i continue to keep starting new stories.
i guess that all we can ever do.
keep writing.
maybe the endings never finds their way to paper until we die.
i think our hope is too strong.

you smile in your sleep...

this weather is a really downer...i mean upper...i mean downer. i can't decided.

ya know those days when the memories just flood in. you can feel it in the air. its like your past is being blown in on every gust of wind and you can't help be feel.............feel like your in a different time and place.

spring always does this to me.

i can feel summer closing in. i can smell the happiness. the freedom.

last year seems so long ago. what happened last year?.....its never important until that first smell of spring....and then every memory comes rushing back in. even though it doesn't seem like it....we're still growing. finally being able to look at pictures from college and to see how we all have changed is surreal. it somehow makes these people i've met here real. they're no longer my "friends" from college...they're just my friends. i haven't just had "fun times" with them....i've lived through life.

its so difficult. we all want so much for that period of getting to know each other to never end. its hard to accept the fact that someone finally knows you (as well as one person can know another) or that you know someone else. its links you together. it create that almost resentful bond. in the beginning its so easy to avoid the obvious and ignore the flaws because...

...somewhere else you have your 'real' relationships.

you don't depend on your new friends because...

...somewhere else you have your 'real' friends.

you can't hate your new life...

....because somewhere else you have your 'real' life.


college/living here/my life.....has finally switched over...i think its happened in the past few months. i no longer find myself worrying about missing out on whats going on at home. i worry about missing out here. i don't lean on my parents or my friends from home the way i used to. i lean on the people here.

i take their troubles
i take their support
i take their heartache
and i take their hugs

because we're all stuck in that stage where we don't know whose hugs will make us feel better.
it feels like none of them do. comfort seems impossible.


finally looking at people and thinking, "wow you grown up so much" is powerful. its reassuring. i think we overestimate the power of time. time connects people. being in the same place at the same time is a huge deal because if you really think about it.....all the people there are in this world and all the places....and then all the combinations of the two. wow. to share something as small as a moment with someone is truly monumental.

this year has definitely been different that last year. new friends. new tasks. new experiences. i'm happy.... i think....but then why do i feel nostalgic every time the spring wind blows? why do i long to feel the way i did last year? i think i long to feel uncomfortable.....uncomfortable with my friends...uncomfortable with the college lifestyle....uncomfortable with my major....uncomfortable in general. uncomfortable mean unconnected. and unconnected is so easy.

ashley and i went to get lunch today and it might have been the spring wind or the patent awkwardness of one of one in itself, but for a minute or so i felt it again. all of a sudden i fell back to last year. she was still new to me. she still made me nervous. and i was uncomfortable. i think its a good thing when people can still do that to you.

because i've been noticing lately that we're all getting a little too comfortable with each other. its at this point that things/people are taken for granted, words aren't thought through, and feelings are disregarded.....


bring on the spring. i need it and all the memories.

just cause you feel like you know someone doesn't me you should give up trying to find out who they are.

conversations with the wind....

i have a lot to talk about...but no time to do it. maybe tomorrow?

so for now i'll leave you with some funny conversations i had with my friend Stormie...

this is how we talk. what can i say? it a great thing to be able to talk to another person on this level. a level of no shame or judgment.

and stuff like this can never be written....thus why i want to remember it for future scripts.


level 1- favors

Stormie : ask bri if its ok if i regergetate the book into our lab report because thats what im doing

Katie: thats what bri did

Stormie: ok good

Stormie: ok i need u to ask bri something for me for clairification

Katie: ug what

level 2- sarcasm

Stormie: charlieeeeeeeee

Stormie: everybody who saw a leprechan in the tree say yea

Stormie: its a land of sweets and joy and joyness

Stormie: my favorite animal is a leoplurodon

Katie: good

Katie: good for you

Stormie: i was kidding

Stormie: gosh

level 3-wisdom

Stormie: i think u got sick from lack of sleep

Stormie: which equal the immune system going down

Katie: im sure

Stormie: because sleep is when your body fixes its self

level 4- contradiction

Stormie: im more motivated in life when its warm

Stormie: i am just overall a happier person

Stormie: Ahh bri is such a better bullshitter than I am. this lab report is making me angry

level 5- tolerance

Stormie: are you feeling better today

Katie: um yes..i feel a lot better but my nose is like ooozing stuff and im coughing up all this phelmy stuff that keeps going from my nose to my throat to my lungs

Stormie: well thats good cause it means you are getting it out of ur body but im sure its not fun

level 6- sympathy
Stormie: how am i not tired this is not ok

Katie: your moms a moose

Stormie: ok thanks

Katie: youre welcome

level 7- more favors
Katie: i have skillet...which is really good

Stormie: skillet what

Katie: skillet the music

Stormie: who is that

Stormie: am i supposed to know who skillet is

Katie: um you asked me about them a while ago

Katie: the christian band

Stormie: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Stormie: yea

Stormie: u rock

Katie: ha

Katie: wow

Stormie: ha i forgot apparently

Stormie: i love you! for remembering

level 8- compliments

Stormie: wow the shirt im wearing is boobalicious

Katie: hot

level 9- what?

Katie: i hate the commercailization of easter

Katie: bunnies have nothing to do with anything

Stormie: hahah yea this is true

Stormie: however i would like the easter sweet tarts

Stormie: those are the best
Katie: haha

Stormie: and eggs what are the point of the egss

Katie: spring chickens

Stormie: oh

Stormie: i like thanksgiving

level 10-Really?

Stormie: u really like the work slurrp dont u

Stormie: or the noise rather

Katie: yes

Katie: i do

Stormie: i just figured out how u do that with ur mouth

Katie: haha

Katie: you just slurrp

Stormie: im sitting her silently slurping

....

Stormie: I also have large eye lids

Katie: HA

Stormie: and a wide face structure

Katie: ok 2nd time you made me laugh out loud

Stormie: hahahhaa

Katie: couldn't u just say you have big eyes

Stormie: nope

Stormie because i was noticing how big my eye lids are

Katie: large eye lids make me think like you have tiny eyes and extra eye lid skin

....

Stormie: i could not live with out chicken, potatoes, bread or salad

Stormie: if those were missing i would have no desire to live

Katie: or cheese

Katie: for me

Katie: ha

Stormie: ok if the cheese was on my bread then yes

Stormie: otherwise no

level 11-spinal tap 11

Katie: its just annoying cause it confuses you and sometime its like "well hello" early

Stormie: hahaha

Stormie: nice way of putting it

Katie: ha

Katie: but then it stops in a day

Stormie: weird

Stormie: yea spotting can happen

Stormie: with BC

Katie: and your just like...well fuck...i didn't want that random day

Stormie: you are also more prone to yeast infections

Stormie: haha

Katie: oh yummy

Stormie: i am full of usless vaginal health info

ohio is for lovers....

so today was self-injury awareness day.

it probably doesn't mean a lot to people, but unfortunately it means something to me. i don't talk about this subject much. some people know....others don't. i don't lie about it, but i also tend to not bring it up unless specifically asked.

but i'm bringing it up today...on here of all places. i know. real personal huh?

but there is so many people who don't know anything about self-injury yet talk about it like they do. it's not just emo kids who cut themselves to cry out for attention, not just masochists, not just people trying to kill themselves....it's usually regular people....with regular lives....who are sitting next to you in english class.


for me it was never about wanting to die. it wasn't a cry out for attention. it was just a release.

a.) i like pain. a lot. its creepy, but its true.

b.) i also get angry. very angry. on the inside. i have to really be provoked to let any anger out, but if it escapes....its scary. it scares me. very few people have seen any of that though.

c.) i hate hurting other people.

thus hurting myself always made me feel....better. i don't necessarily feel guilty for this. i don't want to go around punching people or screaming at them when i can do it to myself and fix the problem.

but i know now there's something wrong with that. its not good to take out anger for other people on yourself.....nothing get resolved. i forced myself to change. i knew that i couldn't keep doing that. but because of it i think i handle fighting, anger, and confrontation better than most people. i'm so much older than everyone else in the sense that i've been through so much more.

i'm doing a bad job with this entry....probably cause its a little too personal. i just hate when people say, "why would you do that to yourself?" well........it easy for an outsider to see it's wrong, but when you're the one doing it....everything makes perfect sense.

its such a quite disease too...

anything from to burning to stabbing to punching to eating disorders to tattooing to obsessive body piercings to drug overdose to poisoning to choking

and my personal favorites cutting and biting (being the lips....which i still do....which is why my lip still bleeds from time to time)

i leave you with some lyrics because this entry sucked.


Getting Deeper by Stage Fright Remedy

You're getting deeper

All alone, you cut yourself hoping to find release
(the pain cuts deep) but still, you're not free from the scars on your heart
(feeding the need) your pain makes you bleed
(I'm reaching out to pull you close to me)
I don't want to see you like this
I want to save you

But you're getting deeper
And I don't want to be without you
No, I don't want to be without you

I wish I knew what's pushing you to act this way
(I see the red)that flows from your veins
A stream of self inflicted pain
I pray for you
The more you cut the less you really feel
It hurts me to see you like this
How can I save you?

You're getting deeper
And I don't want to be without you
No, I don't want to be without you

I remember a time when you were so alive and nothing could bring you down

shoot down the stars.....

sometime i really feel weak. when i'm dealing with stuff in my major....i feel weak. not weak as in my talent, but weak as in my person.

i think i'm too nice. i know i'm too nice. too nice to be in this line of work and it scares me that i'm going to get eaten alive.

as i continue to learn every day from my sarcastic, jackass, don't really know anything, bullshitting, i'm the greatest thing since george lucus teachers.....i'm started to question more and more whether or not i'm going to be able to make it.

in my line of work....you not only have to think you're the best, but you have to believe it. no matter how fantastic my work is....i don't think i'll ever be able to think i'm the best. let alone....act like it.

i'm a passive person. i'll be honest. i let people walk over me, take advantage of me, and be the stars while i sit back a watch. i don't want the attention. i don't need it like it seems everyone else in my major does. the kids i work with thrive off praise. they love to hear they're amazing. that they have real talent. that they're going to be great one day. i need to hear it too, but for me there are more important thing in life.

i care to much about people. i try to be fair person...which if i plan on ever making it in this business...i can't do. i give credit where credit is deserved....again wrong. i can't love my classmates because they are now and will forever be my rivals. its a constant competition and i hate it. even when you are working together it will always be a battle. a battle to be the best. i don't know if i can live my life that way.

my mom couldn't and she told me that for years. she warned me about what kind of lifestyle i was getting into, but i told her i could handle it. she was a good actor....but she hated the lifestyle. i will always wonder what she would have become if she would have stuck with it. which is probably the reason i haven't given up yet. i need to know what i can become. i don't want to back out because i'm scared or can't handle it.

but sometime i just get tired of it all.