shoot down the stars.....

sometime i really feel weak. when i'm dealing with stuff in my major....i feel weak. not weak as in my talent, but weak as in my person.

i think i'm too nice. i know i'm too nice. too nice to be in this line of work and it scares me that i'm going to get eaten alive.

as i continue to learn every day from my sarcastic, jackass, don't really know anything, bullshitting, i'm the greatest thing since george lucus teachers.....i'm started to question more and more whether or not i'm going to be able to make it.

in my line of work....you not only have to think you're the best, but you have to believe it. no matter how fantastic my work is....i don't think i'll ever be able to think i'm the best. let alone....act like it.

i'm a passive person. i'll be honest. i let people walk over me, take advantage of me, and be the stars while i sit back a watch. i don't want the attention. i don't need it like it seems everyone else in my major does. the kids i work with thrive off praise. they love to hear they're amazing. that they have real talent. that they're going to be great one day. i need to hear it too, but for me there are more important thing in life.

i care to much about people. i try to be fair person...which if i plan on ever making it in this business...i can't do. i give credit where credit is deserved....again wrong. i can't love my classmates because they are now and will forever be my rivals. its a constant competition and i hate it. even when you are working together it will always be a battle. a battle to be the best. i don't know if i can live my life that way.

my mom couldn't and she told me that for years. she warned me about what kind of lifestyle i was getting into, but i told her i could handle it. she was a good actor....but she hated the lifestyle. i will always wonder what she would have become if she would have stuck with it. which is probably the reason i haven't given up yet. i need to know what i can become. i don't want to back out because i'm scared or can't handle it.

but sometime i just get tired of it all.