it probably doesn't mean a lot to people, but unfortunately it means something to me. i don't talk about this subject much. some people know....others don't. i don't lie about it, but i also tend to not bring it up unless specifically asked.
but i'm bringing it up today...on here of all places. i know. real personal huh?
but there is so many people who don't know anything about self-injury yet talk about it like they do. it's not just emo kids who cut themselves to cry out for attention, not just masochists, not just people trying to kill themselves....it's usually regular people....with regular lives....who are sitting next to you in english class.
for me it was never about wanting to die. it wasn't a cry out for attention. it was just a release.
a.) i like pain. a lot. its creepy, but its true.
b.) i also get angry. very angry. on the inside. i have to really be provoked to let any anger out, but if it escapes....its scary. it scares me. very few people have seen any of that though.
c.) i hate hurting other people.
thus hurting myself always made me feel....better. i don't necessarily feel guilty for this. i don't want to go around punching people or screaming at them when i can do it to myself and fix the problem.
but i know now there's something wrong with that. its not good to take out anger for other people on yourself.....nothing get resolved. i forced myself to change. i knew that i couldn't keep doing that. but because of it i think i handle fighting, anger, and confrontation better than most people. i'm so much older than everyone else in the sense that i've been through so much more.
i'm doing a bad job with this entry....probably cause its a little too personal. i just hate when people say, "why would you do that to yourself?" well........it easy for an outsider to see it's wrong, but when you're the one doing it....everything makes perfect sense.
its such a quite disease too...
anything from to burning to stabbing to punching to eating disorders to tattooing to obsessive body piercings to drug overdose to poisoning to choking
and my personal favorites cutting and biting (being the lips....which i still do....which is why my lip still bleeds from time to time)
i leave you with some lyrics because this entry sucked.
Getting Deeper by Stage Fright Remedy
You're getting deeper
All alone, you cut yourself hoping to find release
(the pain cuts deep) but still, you're not free from the scars on your heart
(feeding the need) your pain makes you bleed
(I'm reaching out to pull you close to me)
I don't want to see you like this
I want to save you
But you're getting deeper
And I don't want to be without you
No, I don't want to be without you
I wish I knew what's pushing you to act this way
(I see the red)that flows from your veins
A stream of self inflicted pain
I pray for you
The more you cut the less you really feel
It hurts me to see you like this
How can I save you?
You're getting deeper
And I don't want to be without you
No, I don't want to be without you
I remember a time when you were so alive and nothing could bring you down
No comments:
Post a Comment