if we're all alone....aren't we in this together?

i don't know.


i hate those words.


for the first time in my life i've had to say them....and mean them. usually i just say them because i want to avoid the topic or don't really feeling like telling people the truth, but these past few weeks i've said, "i don't know" probably around 78 times and meant it every time. its empty and cold and confusing. it the weirdest feeling in the world. its just like feeling blank. its as close to nothing we can ever get.

i don't know how i feel.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what i should say.
i don't know what you want me to say.
i don't know what i can say without making you angry.
i don't know how to make you see what the problem is.
i don't know how to make you happy.
i don't know what you want me to do about it.
i don't know where i want to live.
i don't know who i want to live with.
i don't know whats going to happen in the next few months.
i don't know how to fix everything thats going so horribly wrong.
i just don't know.

i need you to help me figure it out.
ok?

no......theres never anyone there who can help answer these kind of questions. when you run out of feeling no one can come fix it or make you feel it again. this is all by yourself. and when its gone its 10x harder to get it back.

i don't know what to do.


selflessness is rare, but beautiful. why is it so hard to want whats best for someone else?

“love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained”- c.s.lewis

this is the real challenge. to realize that its not enough to love someone because you like being around them or because they are funny or pretty or nice. its not enough to care or even be concerned. it's not enough to hang out with them or get to know them. if you really love someone you have to give them the ultimate form of love......being selfless with them. you have to have a constant wish that everything is good for them all the time. to say you love someone, but internally only care about how you feel in the relationship is not real love. its the love that blinds us. its the love that makes us jealous. its hard to get past the point where you aren't jealous and into the area where the only thing you want is whats best for the other person.

i wish everyone would try a little harder at this. everyone has their own problems. everyone has their own past, present, and future to worry about. everyone has felt the way you have before.

so guess what....
sometimes its not about you....
sometimes its not about me....
maybe for once its about....her...
or him...
or them.


the hardest thing in the world is to watch someone you love be happy when you, yourself are not. there really is nothing that can be done. but to really love is to be able to be happy for someone because they're happy.

good luck.
how are you suppose to get people to understand this?
i don't know.....



on a more positive note.....i love fall and this weekend was perfect. do you even have days that just could not be better. maybe its the people....or maybe its the weather...or maybe it just me. i feel happy for the first time in a long time. thank you fall....thank you friends who like to enjoy random stuff with me....thank you girl in the room next door.....thank you new friend....thank you cuddlers....thank you jumanji....thank you cover bands....thank you water and beautiful nights....thank you pumpkin ice cream....thank you high school musical 2....thank you life: for slowing down every now and again to help remind me of why i'm really here on earth.

when it rains...

to know it's real...
it has to hurt.

to love someone so much it hurts....
is reality.


distance is my killer. it will be the death of me. i know. i can tell already.

the people i'm around all the time are the ones who i think about....the ones who change me day to day are the one who chain my heart. but as the distance grows....the chains loosen. i don't know if i feel trapped and need to break free or if i just look for the easy way out. either way all i do is end up hurting other people....and me. i don't want it to be like this. i don't want to lose contact with best friends.....i don't want to get detached from boyfriends enough to run to someone else ONLY because they're there. when i need comfort...i guess i need it immediately. when i need someone....anyone.....i run to the person i can get to fastest. all my relationships with my friends and family and everyone has been based around this. i hate it. i want there to be a set limit of love i have for people. i want to love people because of who they are....not because of where they are.

its amazing how much we fight for each others love. its amazing how much loving someone else can hurt.
to want to be the person they need.
to need to be the person they want.
it's soooo hard. to be away and have to listen to your friends talk about having fun without you and not be the person they need to tell things to...kills. it hurts to not share the memories. jealousy.....is the killer of love.....the killer of friendship.

i am jealous of every other person
who has ever made you laugh.
who has ever made you cry.
who has ever share a secret with you.
who has ever know anything about you that i didn't.
who has ever made you change.
who has ever meant anything to you.

i am a killer

in a way we're all like this with every person we meet. we need to mean everything.....

there is one girl i know who can do this....shes managed to make every person she's ever met think that to her they were the world. she has destroyed more hearts than she'll ever know. but she has shown me the key....to go into relationships knowing that at some point you'll only 2nd best. if you go in thinking this....you wont ever get hurt.

if you ever love someone and don't feel jealous then you don't really love that person.
we all must be killers
to really love we must destroy at the same time.