oh man....

what's been going on?


i don't even know....that last week has been a blur.

i managed to get into 2 different fights with 2 different people....strangely about a lot of the same things. i wish i was a guy so i could just deck people instead of having to explain how "i feel" and cry a whole lot.

it's amazing who your heart decided to run to.
sometime you know exactly who it's going to be...
other times you're taken by surprise....
and yet every once in a while 2 hearts meet half way. both running away from something.....only to collide with each other instead.

its really a beautiful thing. i've been paying more attention to who my heart runs to when i'm in certain situations and not stopping it from finding who it wants to find. i'm letting it be free. letting it be open.

i think we all need each other in different ways. eventually we find out what way that is.


this weeks also been making me question this crazy "group of friends" thing that we all decide we need to participate in. i hate it. i hate being part of a group. i mean don't get me wrong....without all my different groups of friends i would have nothing and no reason to live, but the premise of creating these friendships within the confines of a group....with leaders and follows....and all these different roles we're forced to take....is preposterous. why does it always turn into that? with a person who is the leader. people that follow. people who feel kicked out.

and then there's me.

i had never really been part of a "group of friends" until about senior year of high school. since then thats all i've been about. its really funny because none of these groups i'm in....are because i started them. i've always been brought in. i've always been the new person. someone else's friend.

mallory brought me in....i ended up better friends with stormie and dylan.
megan brought me in...i ended up better friends with shane and manuel.
now i'm starting to get worried that its just going to continue to happen over and over.
i think it has to be me.
do i get tired? or resentful? or what? its not like i want it to happen.

i don't know what it is.
i guess it all comes down to letting your heart run to who it wants to. i just trust that mine knows where its going.



i'm pissed that the test i cheated on....i ended up getting a 77 on. thats super-lame and i don't know how it happened. ha karma....maybe BUT she never knew. i'm super stealth like that. i'm getting the feeling that other people either cheat way better than me or actually care. but im not wasting my time on either....because everyday i get angrier and angrier at the formal educational process. grades are about as useless as being prepared.


which leads me to that awful school shooting. no matter how prepared you think you are or how ready you're determined to be......you never are. when it happens....you panic. you're only human. you forget what to do. forget what to say. forget about everything except that fact that you're breathing. you either get lucky or you die.

and as for the holocaust survivor teacher....he might have to be my hero. to live through something so terrible only to be gunned down in the middle of an average day.....and to sacrifice his own life to save his students. amazing.

sometime i wonder what i would do if that ever happened.

in fact i decided i needed to dream about it.....while i was napping during the news.

unfortunately it didn't shed any light. i'd like to think that i would try to save people. i mean.....as much as i really don't want to die, i am proud to say that i think i would be calmly ready. my only fear of death is to upset the people who care about me (my parents). but to watch other people i love die. i'm not sure i could handle it. i would have to do something.

sometime i wonder how i'm going to die?
i hope it doesn't suck. like not a car crash please.

sometime i wonder what i would do in a situation like that?
sometime i wonder what other people would do?
sometime i wonder why bad things happen to all these other people?
sometime i have to wonder if i'm next?


i guess thats the point of living life day to day. not worrying about anything...cause at some point none of it will matter. tomorrow won't matter. yesterday will be forgotten. today will be the only thing you have left.

if i die tomorrow...know that i loved you today.


sorry my post got gradually more and more depressing. i just went with it.
i'm pretty happy right now to be honest.
i don't know where that came from.
:)

don't stop believing...

So the running joke for multimedia kids...

hours(intend) x problem(#) + helping other(%)- getting help from other (%) = hours(actual)>hours(sleep)

this is the equation you use when you're about to work on your project.

i'm pretty sure i'm in the most perfect major....for me.
a) you have to be a geek
b) you have to not be afraid to act like a dork
c) you have to really like yourself
d) you have to not mind having permanent bags under your eyes (which i've already become accustomed to since i was a techie in high school)
e) you have to be able to take people not agreeing with you
f ) you have to like being in situations where you have no clue what the hell you're doing
g) you have to be an insomniac or require less than 6 hours of sleep a night.


the last couple weeks.....i've really grown to love being in this field. i just feel comfortable. yeah....i may complain.
in fact, i plan on complaining a lot, but deep down i know i will always love it. it reminds be of being in drama in high school and that was the best time in my life.

my favorite part about being in multimedia are the people. i've met soooo many awesome people this year.

.....and for once i've met people who are like me.


not that i don't love being different than people. thats the whole point in life. its cool to be able to sound all important because i know all this tech stuff. i like it....i'm not going to lie. everyone milks being able to show off for all its worth.

...but i have to admit its nice to be able to say to someone, "i think your problem is in the event handlers on frame one of your action script" and not have them look at you like your insane. its also really fun to find girls who will talk to me about the ways the director did awesome steady cam shots in the boondock saints instead of why more guys aren't like the gorgeous lead in the latest chick flick.

not that i don't enjoy that from time to time too either. i do. i would hate to be the type of person who is completely dedicated to what they are instead of just being who they are.


but i think we underestimate the power of common interest. it allows for less time to be annoyed when you like the same things.

It also nice to have people who look at my work and don't just automatically say, "wow thats really cool.....i like it." though i appreciate it and would miss it if it was gone, its been way better for me to have someone say, "yeah that was ok."

ok.....give me a purpose in life. we all need to be knocked down a peg or two every once in a while.

i've also learned that when you become a multimedia major....you are basically being adopted into a family...... you really treat each other like family. you get to know everyone cause the classes are small and you are always working together. and even though you are in constant competition.....you always drop whatever you are working on to help each other. the other night there were like 10 of us in the lab working on various things and we all were helping each other. its just so nice to see that in a school/business/public setting because its really rare. you get annoyed and tired, but you work on it with them until its fixed....because they (at some point) will do the same for you. i don't understand why its like that though. is it just some unwritten rule? maybe its because we all feel each others pain. then again maybe we just like showing off. either way i really like it.




and then there's the boys.


not in the way you may think.


for most of my life....my best friends have been guys. its only been recently that i found a group of girls that i really have become close too. i love that too. i think its been better for me, but i can't help but miss my boys.

i've had a really rough time making guy friends here at bradley....something i never have had trouble with before. maybe its our age....or maybe it the fact that gender is actually important now....who knows?

all i know is that being is classes full of boys....is really nice. especially when you have to interacted for hours and hours working on projects with them. it forces everyone to really open up and actually be themselves. none of that fake interaction (like at parties) that i hate.

i've become really jaded about guys here. i don't know why. probably because of all the trouble my friends and well....i guess...me too..... have had with them here. but the guys in my classes are so great.
a) they are geeks
b) they are not be afraid to act like a dork
c) they like themselves
d) they don't mind having permanent bags under their eyes
e) they are able to take people not agreeing with them
f ) they like being in situations where they have no clue what the hell they're doing
g) they are an insomniac or require less than 6 hours of sleep at night


and they are nice and genuinely good.

and while im with them....there is not pressure to be anything other than friends. just another one of the guys. i love it and really miss it.

from the inside out....

i want to comment on my faith...on this day that is deemed "the end all be all" of days of faith.

religion is such a tricky subject. which is why it is avoided at all costs and (if traced back in time) the ultimate cause for almost every monumental world event. why is this?

because it deals with the scariest of human emotions.
faith.
religion is choosing to believe..... and believing can be the hardest of tasks that we deal in our lives.

its just seems too easy
to avoid.
to lie about.
to forget.
to push aside.
to disregard.
to be deemed innate.

being raised in a moderately christian active family....i've wrestled with believing a lot over the years. i was taught the bible....taught to pray....taught to be a good person....but forced to believe. it was just one of those things that was understood.....that you were christain. no questions asked.

at no point in my life.......did i ever say that what i was taught was wrong, but i have definitely questioned why i believe what i do.

looking back i think the best thing that happened was that i was raised in a non-denominational setting....and i wasn't part of a church. i wasn't enrolled in a private christian school like all my cousins. i was given the time and the space to choose what i believed (haha as long as it was christian). i feel like so many people today are christian (or whatever religion they choose) for the sole fact that its routine in their lives. they grew up going to church, they went to sunday school, they picked up the beliefs everyone around them had. they were classically conditioned to believe a certain way.

me on other hand....i made a well-aware decision to believe what i do. i know more about the bible that most church people and think i live a better life than most people who call themselves christian. everyday my beliefs change because i let everything in this world that God has created influence me in every way it can. i'm not ashamed of what i believe and i believe it with all my heart because i've processed it in my head, my heart, and my life. for me it makes me a stronger person.


i can't claim a certain faith because i hold too many different beliefs. now i know why religion goes hand in hand with faith. its all about having the faith....the courage....the power....to believe. it's fucking hard. its the ultimate battle. its the battle of a lifetime.

i know that for me God is real. i can't look at anything in the world around me and for one second believe that he's not. the world is too beautiful to not think that life is more than just living.

i think this world is our test.....every second of everyday we are faced with choices.

i think that sin is what God expects.....when we do something unsinful it shocks him. he gives us so many chances and forgives us over and over. he knows were human and we have to stumble and fall before we can pick ourselves up with the strength to change.

God is all about Love. Love your neighbor as yourself. love is patient and kind. this is what i hold above all else and its the one that throws me the most. i really love people. i love my parents. my family. my friends. i love love love them. truly and deeply. and when i find people that i love who don't believe in what i do or do sinful things in my eye.....what am i suppose to believe?

that they're bad people.....cause i can't.

i know what i think is wrong, but i can't stare in someone eyes who is nice, kind, funny, takes pride in life and is a genuinely good person and say "oh well you're going to hell" cause i really don't believe that. i don't think thats how God works. God has to know. he has to know that these so called "sinners" in the church's eye are worth soooooo much more than 10 of these "christian" people who follow the rules, but are just bad people. i know i've done "bad" things in my life and i don't really believe that god will hold that against me because he knows where my heart is.

its with him. i know hes counting on me to change people lives, but not threw they way the bible tells me.....through the way he tells me personally. i hear him everyday. he's not telling me to preach and teach what people 2000 years ago believed about what to eat and how to worship or even what is sinful....hes telling me to live my life in a way that will bring people to know the good part of life. the part of life he wanted when he created this world and before we screwed it up.

he doesn't want me to judge people because they don't believe what i do
or that they do drugs or drink
or that they say bad words
or that they choose to have sex before marriage
or that they are attracted to the same sex
or that they do any of the other numerous things that people with narrow minds can't see beyond.

he wants me to show them love, friendship, trust, loyalty, humor, and faith. faith that people can be good. faith life should be enjoyed. faith that judging is the worse of sins because only he is allowed that privilege. faith that mistakes are made. faith that forgiveness is real. faith that GOD LOVES EVERYONE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY LET HIM DOWN. and most importantly faith that GOD IS REAL.

whether hes a real person.....
whether the bible is true....
whether heaven and hell exist.....
whether jesus really did died to forgive us of our sins.....

no one on this earth can say.

its about believing. choosing. and living. thats all we can do.



and thats where my faith lies. it lies with a God that is powerful....but caring. Angry....but forgiving. and sooooo very real.....but still a mystery.

Jamie: How can you see places like this... and have moments like this and not believe?
Landon: You're lucky to be so sure.
Jamie: It's like the wind. I can't... see it, but I feel it.


for me personally....i want to thank God for giving up his son's life for mine. i not sure i could do that. i want to thank Jesus for willing dying to save me even though its me who's the sinful person and not him. i'm not sure i could do that either. i want to thank God for always helping me...through all the lapses of faith and all the stumbles and helping me find someone inside of me who i am proud to be. please help me help others do the same.

amen.

i'm so in love...every other time....

i would have to say the title of my blog says it all....

good work Lyte Funky Ones.


there are so many people who i love one day and hate the next....

ok not that extreme, but there are people who i want to be around every second one day and the next day i start to get tired of being around them.....but the next day i'm want them back. one of life's many sick cycles. its just so hard to find that median.

there are people i swear i'm fine without but as soon as i see them...i fall immediately back in love with.(not always literally)

its such a weird concept to say that you love some one EVERY OTHER TIME, but it seems so true. i can be around someone one day and swear they are perfect and then turn around and find every flaw the next day. i'm not sure i like it....but what can ya do? i think maybe thats how we all feel about everyone.



have you ever stood across from someone and known you had some deeper connection?
i have.

there are people who i can look into their eyes and see all the way through. past the facades and masks. right into them. they usually come in the form of acquaintances or past friends. i try to make it better by telling myself they don't care about me as much as i care about them....even though when i look in their eyes i can tell they do. maybe they're just good at meaning a lot to people. emotional whores. they somehow make everything else disappear.

they are the people who stay stuck in the back of my mind. i take them with me with everywhere i go without even realizing it. until the second i see them again.......and it hits me...in the kidney. ouch! it hurts. and this time i think i'm bruising....





the pain of missing someone who is SO CLOSE....but SO FAR AWAY.

why have there been so many of these people in my life....i'm not sure how much more i can take?

let us die young or let us live forever...

so i've decided to stop wasting my life.

this is entire year has felt like a giant waste to me. i've just been going through the motions...day after day. wasting away my life on the computer and listening to the same complaining and boring small talk that seems to be playing on repeat.

we need to take life back.
remember life?
yeah, that would be ours.
we can't wait for things to happen to us....we need to make things happen.

i'm really going to start trying more. people need to get up and do things. have fun. be young while they still can. i feel like everyone so old anymore. people pass up opportunities to play games and run around and go on adventures because they're just too stuck in their adult lives.

when you lose the ability to see the world the way a child does is when life becomes a chore. if life becomes pointless then why stay around. you might as well be dead.

hello people.....this is life. we only get it once and what we do with it will affect us forever. anyone of us could die tomorrow.

i want people to stop thinking....stop worrying about school, getting a job, and finding that special someone. we have the rest of our lives to do that. we should be enjoying the fact that we can still run and jump and sing and live without care.

i really really really am unmotivated in the whole school aspect. i just don't see how getting a good grade on a test makes me a better person?


so i've decided that everyone....should write down all the things they've ever wanted to do in their life and i'll make a big list.....so when we don't know what to do...we can start checking them off.


no backing out...
we're going to be crazy....
and not think for once....
we're going to take advantage of our youth...
and just do.

AND we're going to do EVERYTHING....WITHOUT MAKING EXCUSES....because

at the end of the day i want to be happy.
i never want to go to bed unhappy ever again because you never know when tomorrow won't be there.

Live it Up
Laugh it Off
Drink it Down
Avoid the Bullshit
And have no Regrets
Because at one Point
What you Did
Was what you Wanted.