oh man....

what's been going on?


i don't even know....that last week has been a blur.

i managed to get into 2 different fights with 2 different people....strangely about a lot of the same things. i wish i was a guy so i could just deck people instead of having to explain how "i feel" and cry a whole lot.

it's amazing who your heart decided to run to.
sometime you know exactly who it's going to be...
other times you're taken by surprise....
and yet every once in a while 2 hearts meet half way. both running away from something.....only to collide with each other instead.

its really a beautiful thing. i've been paying more attention to who my heart runs to when i'm in certain situations and not stopping it from finding who it wants to find. i'm letting it be free. letting it be open.

i think we all need each other in different ways. eventually we find out what way that is.


this weeks also been making me question this crazy "group of friends" thing that we all decide we need to participate in. i hate it. i hate being part of a group. i mean don't get me wrong....without all my different groups of friends i would have nothing and no reason to live, but the premise of creating these friendships within the confines of a group....with leaders and follows....and all these different roles we're forced to take....is preposterous. why does it always turn into that? with a person who is the leader. people that follow. people who feel kicked out.

and then there's me.

i had never really been part of a "group of friends" until about senior year of high school. since then thats all i've been about. its really funny because none of these groups i'm in....are because i started them. i've always been brought in. i've always been the new person. someone else's friend.

mallory brought me in....i ended up better friends with stormie and dylan.
megan brought me in...i ended up better friends with shane and manuel.
now i'm starting to get worried that its just going to continue to happen over and over.
i think it has to be me.
do i get tired? or resentful? or what? its not like i want it to happen.

i don't know what it is.
i guess it all comes down to letting your heart run to who it wants to. i just trust that mine knows where its going.



i'm pissed that the test i cheated on....i ended up getting a 77 on. thats super-lame and i don't know how it happened. ha karma....maybe BUT she never knew. i'm super stealth like that. i'm getting the feeling that other people either cheat way better than me or actually care. but im not wasting my time on either....because everyday i get angrier and angrier at the formal educational process. grades are about as useless as being prepared.


which leads me to that awful school shooting. no matter how prepared you think you are or how ready you're determined to be......you never are. when it happens....you panic. you're only human. you forget what to do. forget what to say. forget about everything except that fact that you're breathing. you either get lucky or you die.

and as for the holocaust survivor teacher....he might have to be my hero. to live through something so terrible only to be gunned down in the middle of an average day.....and to sacrifice his own life to save his students. amazing.

sometime i wonder what i would do if that ever happened.

in fact i decided i needed to dream about it.....while i was napping during the news.

unfortunately it didn't shed any light. i'd like to think that i would try to save people. i mean.....as much as i really don't want to die, i am proud to say that i think i would be calmly ready. my only fear of death is to upset the people who care about me (my parents). but to watch other people i love die. i'm not sure i could handle it. i would have to do something.

sometime i wonder how i'm going to die?
i hope it doesn't suck. like not a car crash please.

sometime i wonder what i would do in a situation like that?
sometime i wonder what other people would do?
sometime i wonder why bad things happen to all these other people?
sometime i have to wonder if i'm next?


i guess thats the point of living life day to day. not worrying about anything...cause at some point none of it will matter. tomorrow won't matter. yesterday will be forgotten. today will be the only thing you have left.

if i die tomorrow...know that i loved you today.


sorry my post got gradually more and more depressing. i just went with it.
i'm pretty happy right now to be honest.
i don't know where that came from.
:)