i get by with a little help from my friends......

BREAK IN BLOG to address a situation.

OK....so now i really can't sleep. i can't even think. concentrate. do my homework. nothing. every way that i turn i see someone upset. every two seconds i hear someone complaining. i can't escape. its driving me insane. literally. i'm not happy. i can barely force a smile anymore....and the funniest part about all of this is that i'm not mad at anyone and as far as know no one is mad at me. although they might be. who knows anymore?

can someone please just let me know why this is happening.

maybe this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass. senior year i put a lot of people in this same position. the friend between friends. now i've never been more sorry. i wish i could go back and apologize.....fix it, but i can't. so instead i want to fix this one.
whatever this is thats going on....has been going on way too long. i can't even remember a time when everyone was happy and i consider that a pretty big failure in life.

i'm pretty sure these issues that everyone's fighting about have nothing to do with the real problems because if this was about what everyone keeps saying it is.....there would be no point and this would have been over a long time ago. this is about something deeper and everyone knows it. i just wish someone would accept it as the truth and take a step to fix it.

and i keep saying it over and over...."i wish" "i hope" "you need to" "you should".....believe me.... i'm just as tired of hearing me say those thing as you are. but no one listens. no one cares anymore and i think that a really selfish way to be.

AND you all say you don't care, but you do. if i care and i'm not even "in" this then i know you care. probably a lot more. enough to make you unhappy and complain and bitch and whine and cry every other day......i know its hard and it gets old and eventually you just want to give up.

but i hate quitters. everyday this drags on ....i lose a little bit more respect. thats the difference between good people and great people. a great person is the person willing to sacrifice their own foolish pride in order to fix a problem. they are the person who takes the first step when everyone else is too scared to. the person who is willing to be nice when everyone one else has been mean. "an eye for an eye only make the whole world blind" i take pride in the fact that my friends are GREAT people. good is ok.....but i prefer great. i think everyone of you is great person. i thank god everyday that he lead me to each of you because you all have taught me so much and given me more support than i could ever ask for and more reasons to smile than i deserve. i lean on everyone of you everyday and i hope you know that.

which is why i don't understand. i don't understand how some of you can be so nonchalant about slowing losing friends. if that were me.....i would be doing everything possible to fix it. i guess i don't have that bottomless friendship pond that you can just pull people out whenever you need a new friend...like the rest of you.

AND i know that everyone's feeling have been hurt. a lot. believe me i know whats been said and i'm sorry that any of you have had to have those things said to you. you don't deserve them. but they're all words. cleverly crafted, thought out, AIM words....whose only purpose are to destroy. if i hear of one more fight via instant message.....i might have to shoot myself with my airgun until it bleeds. i will fucking do it too...if you don't believe me...ill make sure you see the scars.

last time i checked....confrontation was a part of life. human to human. eye to eye. heart to heart. if you don't like it....then you need to go back to grade school and tried to grow up for a second time. believe it or not the people you are confronting are people too. they aren't mean monsters out to get you who are going to twist every word that you said around and make you lose. they're you friends.

and thats what everyone is sooo scared of....losing.....being wrong. haha well guess what.....people are wrong all the time. i'm probably wrong right now for writing this. its really not that hard to admit.....or to say you sorry for hurting someone else's feelings. it happens all the time and the great thing is that people will forgive you. i can vouch, i been forgive a lot.

i'm also very tired of everyone being so worried about making themselves feel better that they ignore the feelings of everyone else. guess what....no one's life is perfect. everyone has their own problems to deal with and thinking that yours are bigger is just selfish. don't play the pity card.

and don't think that you're not wrong. i'm pretty sure everyone has blame to take for this one....even me....and i plan on taking it. in fact ill take it right now. my blame is in the fact i've been quiet for so long and haven't tried to fix it anything. its that i pretend that everything is fine and that i keep trying to dish out pointless advise. its that i keep listen to this. i'm to blame for not defending my friends because i'm too scared to get involved.

but how am i suppose to defend my friends against my friends? can someone please tell me? i can't figure it out......all i know is that at this point i shouldn't have to. you all are friends too and you need to talk to each other and i think you really need to decide if you care. if you decided you don't...then ok. but if you are willing to make yourself vulnerable and admit that you do and that you want to fix it....then i will be very proud and i will be there to back you up 100%. no matter who it is because i know that person is someone who won't forsake their friends, hold pointless grudges, or take anything in life for granted. life sucks too much to want to be in this alone.

its no ones turn, but someone needs to make a move. otherwise....fuck this game. its not going to be fair...so don't complain about that because a lot of life is going to be "not fair". there will be more stuff in life you do that you don't want to do.....than stuff you want to do, but never get the chance to. so don't put things off.

there is a lot of damage that has been done, but you wouldn't knock down an entire house because a few of the shingles fell off. you'd analyze the situation and replace the roof.

please.....i don't ask for much, but i'm asking for this. i'm getting exhausted. mentally. emotionally. physically.

what you do doesn't just affect you. it affects everyone. take that into consideration after you read this.

i love you all.

katie

a day when you lost yourself completely could be the night when your life ends...

as i stood in the chilling air of downtown Chicago at 4:30 in the morning, waiting for the "L" to come....i realised that for the first time in my life i felt completely numb. it wasn't from the lack of heat even though i was looking down at my thin sweatshirt wondering why the hell i didn't wear my coat, but it was something deeper. it was the kind of numb you feel when there is nothing left to feel anymore. i looked down the 2 stories into the dark streets and wondered how i ended up here. this hadn't my intention nor anyone elses that night, but none-the-less....i was there. i knew it was real even though i was so mentally exhausted that all fear had somehow left my body. i had never felt more alone in my life...all the heartache of being an only child, from the first time someone you love dies, from the repeated beatings you take every time your friends abandon you....was nothing compared to this. as i stood there, under the red glow of the heat lights i knew something in me had changed. my friend was next to me, an acquaintance next to her, and two strangers on the other side....as far as i could tell we were the only people left on the earth. behind the numbness a panic began to set in....one that left me unsure of....well...really everything. i suddenly became aware of every breathe in my body as i began to replay the surreal events of the previous 12 hours in my head.

i'd like to pause for a second and say that the reason i feel i need to retell the events of this past weekend in such a dramatic fashion, is that for me this is how it felt. we often tell stories to our friends with a million "remember when"s and an occasional "oh yeah" or "i almost forgot" thrown in. very rarely does the story ever get told the right way. the way that evokes emotion. it will be impossible for you to understand how i felt on saturday, but i can tell you. and i'll tell you the way i remember and how i saw it because this is my story. this one is for me...so i'll always remember.

it was somewhere around 4:30pm when we left school. three of us....me and the two girls that live next to me....kirsten and ashley. as we drove past my hometown of bloomington i had the oddest feeling. a mixture of a fading past with a maybe a little bit of impending doom. maybe it was just the conscious kicking in. i knew what was going to happen....what we had been planning to happen for the past few days. i was excited but also nervous. that for me was really different. i'm not the type of person to feel nervous about doing something a little bit dangerous...i usually live for adventure.

but something felt different this time and as yellowcard's "one year, six month" blasted into my ears i still knew that deep down inside i was as naive as i ever had been.

we were visiting kirsten's friends who went to depaul, but really we were on a mission. the three of us were looking for an escape. an escape from our dull monotonous lives. an escape from the same people, places, and drama that lurked behind every dorm room and was found in every instant message fight back at school. the weekend had started out badly and it was only saturday afternoon. but for me this wasn't just about the weekend or the busy week i had just had at school, but it was about my whole life. it was every bad decision i had walked away from, every chance i missed, every time i felt suffocated by the innocent life that had somehow been created around me.

as we passed the mobil gas factory it was just starting to get dark and the smoke rose up around the towering dark steam stacks. the orange glow stung into my eyes and i was suddenly reminded of hell. i told my friends and they laughed, but i was serious. in my scariest nightmares, when i have the clearest picture of pain and suffering...i've always defined hell as what i saw off the road....to the right. kirsten turned around and said something to the effect of, "well who know what's going to happen tonight....we're probably already going to hell." i looked back at the factory as i mentally welcomed myself to the darkside.

my nerves were finally calming down as we entered the city. i guess i was too busy taking in the huge buildings and bright lights. it was such a completely different world. so dirty and loud and as i soon would find out....full of sin. even though i had been there before something seemed different. i had never realise how country i really did grow up until then. i was out of my comfort zone and would be for the next 8 hours.

we almost died before we got to where we were going. its a weird thought now. as the SUV stopped in front of us and i looked around the front seat as we barrelled closer and closer too it.....i have to admit...i wasn't scared. i was almost at peace. i knew we weren't going to die. not that way. i'm not sure you could have fit a quarter between us and the car in front of us. with the smell of burning rubber, our hearts pounding, and the screeching of the tires still echoing in out ears we knew it was going to be an interesting night. when the thought of death doesn't phase you...it becomes apparent the your life has become something you have taken for granted one day too long.

we arrived at our destination sometime around 7ish. as soon as i step out of the car i felt uneasy. like i was so small and insignificant. i had no idea what to think. all i knew was i was hungry and confused as to why we were sitting in a pizza place in chicago watching bradley play basketball and cnn reporting that britney spears had shaved her head. it was just not a normal situation. i look out the wall of windows into the dark street of downtown chicago and knew i didn't belong here, but i shook it off and was ready for a good time.



and a good time it was or at least started. i met danielle who was the funniest person i've every had the privilege of conversing with and looked around the apartment amazed at how different it was from the school i had just come from.



we started too early, but then there really is no such thing as too early anymore. after a few drinks i was feeling better. everything suddenly got really funny and for i while i felt comfortably again even though i was slowly being "drug" into this alternate world. i didn't mind at all. we lost ashley after 2 and i felt myself slipping. a few hits later, with burning lungs, i was good. the pain was incredible and i liked it. it was now time to go to the party.


in a group of about 10 (out of which i trusted 2) we walked what seemed like forever to the "L." we waited long enough for all feeling to disappear in my body, but i hardly noticed considering i could barely feel prior to that anyways. we again walked through the empty streets of downtown chicago, but this time i was getting a little annoyed, but we finally made it. as we enter the house and walked into a blur of flashing lights i could feel the vibe of alcohol and sex radiating off the heat that lingered in the air. we stood around for a while and even though my focus was gone...it suddenly hit me. as i shifted what little attention i still had control of from the unbelievably good looking guys, to the hard liquor, to the beer in the green bottles, to the well decorated kitchen, to the cheese-its on the table i realise that something was different. i looked up at kirsten who half smiled back at me....knowing exactly what i was thinking, but i leaned in and asked the question anyways...even though i already knew the answer.

"is everyone here gay?" "yep" "aweeesome"

and it was...for a while. as the night lingered on and the sobering effect of a lifestyle so unlike mine being stabbing at me from every direction....it got more and more uncomfortable. what i saw as funny suddenly became sad and what i learned from tv suddenly became real. i realise that everything i thought i was sure of was only because i had not experienced it. i have for a long time felt as though i was an adult. that i knew the ways of the world, but as i watched 2 guys make out in a hallway....i realise i had no idea. i was only a child. a kid trying to act grown up. barely able to disguse my innocence and purity. in reality i knew nothing.

i stood around as the echo of heavy-bass-sex music and the openness of affection raped me. not physically...but emotionally. i looked to my friends who stared in a stupor with mouths open and i knew i wasn't alone. i took a second to thank them in my head for being good people.

a lot of the times you think you know yourself. if you had asked me before this party if i was homophobic of any kind i would have said no. i and truly believed that i wasn't. i have many friends who are gay, but this was different. i was witnessing something more. it was an intense,
dirty, infected type free love that really shook me up. even though i'm all for loving who you want to love, the fact that i've been brought up a certain way is not something i can shake as easily as i once thought. and it was something that started screaming in me by the end of the night. (i want to make it known that i don't hold any of what i experienced this night against anyone who might be gay. it was just something new and i'm just saying how i felt)

by the time 4 am rolled around i was sitting on the couch....my heavy eyelids were begging to pull me away from this world. but one of the guys we had come with was missing in action. whether it was an in the stomach, up the throat, into the toilet action or and up the ass action...we might not ever know. all we knew was that we weren't leaving for a while.

i looked at my friends trying to find something to hold on too.

in one i saw the anger and the pain of realisation setting in. she was learning that people aren't always who they seem to be. they aren't the people we think we know....everyone has their dirty little secrets and everyone will let us down. most likely over and over and over again.

the other did too well hiding it. i'm not sure what she felt that night. all i can say is that shes one of those people i feel like i need to protect....the type of person who i just want to cover their eyes from time to time. that night i had to sit around, watch, and do nothing.

as for me i closed my eyes and tried to wake myself up....in the back of my mind almost thinking that this whole night had to have been a dream. i'd seen more than i needed to, heard more than i should, and imagined things i never wanted to. i leaned back and began to feel my body relax, all of a sudden all of my emotions were gone. i looked up and realise nothing was phasing me anymore. i had become numb. numb to the world. numb to life. numb to feelings of any kind.

and we're back to where my story began. kirsten stayed at the party to make sure steve was ok, while ashley, danielle, and i went back to go sleep. we waited forever for that train. the strangers waiting with us were drunk and decided that is would be fun to talk to us and sing. i should have been scared for my life. i think i told myself i was, but i really wasn't because at that point all i could focus on was the fact that i didn't care. you never know how you're going to react until you're put into those situation in real life. i know now....i'm not near as strong of a person as i though i was. i guess i always though i would be fearless. the one that would save everyone else, but i stood against the wall silently wishing someone would save me. we said nothing to them....and somewhere in the back of my head i waited for one of them to get angry and pull a knife on us. as i think back now....i'm 100% positive i have no idea what i would have done. i would like to say i would have fought back, but i don't really know that i would have. like they say in fight club, "how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?" that might have been the lesson of the night. that we really know nothing about ourselves until we put in the most intense situation and are forced to deal with it.

i thought i knew myself before this weekend but i didn't. i'm not as bad as i thought i was. i'm not as open as i thought i was. i no longer trust the world the way i have in the past. i use to think nothing bad could ever happen to me. now i know....that for everyone, "bad" is just a matter of time. we finally made it back after a stomach churning train ride and another freezing walk.

we arrived only to find that we had no place to sleep because we seemed to keep getting involved with people who only cared about themselves.

once kirsten got back we really didn't care and ended up crashing on danielle's concrete floor. if it wasn't for her we probably would have been lost somewhere in chicago and i most likely wouldn't be writing this right now.




we got up the next morning, ate, and drove back in almost a fragile, confused disbelief. we talked about what had happened and i continued to try to figure how it had. i'm still kinda unsure. all i know is that i left part of myself in chicago that night. i won't ever get it back, but its one of those thing i think everyone has to lose eventually. it's the false notion that "everything will be fine," that "life is some sort of blessing" that "everyone is inherently good". in reality it's all just a test. as we drove past "hell"... on the left side of the road this time....i thanked god for bringing me back home and for giving me another chance.

and i finally understood that other quote from fight club:

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."


THE END


this weekend was crazy. i'll probably remember it for the rest of my life. and even though so much bad stuff happen i'm really happy it did. its the only way we can learn and grow....both of which i did. so thanks chicago for giving me something to write about and something to look back on and laugh.

lets hear that string part again because i don't think they heard it all the first time

"be careful"
"....i will"

probably the most empty exchange of words ever put together.

i've come to the realization that most of the time when someone tells me to "be careful" and i say "i will"....it means i'm actually getting ready to go NOT be careful AT ALL. most like do something unbelievibly dangerous. it's the most overused lie ever.

so then why lie....i guess....to easy the nerves of the person who is worried.

because "be careful" to me means.....wow....this is going to be a lot of fun isn't it?

never take friendship personal

god.....there are two things i really hate....

a.) not knowing what the hell is going on

and

b.) seeing my friends upset ALL THE FUCKING TIME

both of which are happening as i'm typing this.



"i'm pissed because....i have.....this problem"
"the problem is caused by you....but only effects me."
"i obviously am more upset than you because i am me and you are you."
"you can't understand why i feel like this because once again i am me and you are you."
"my feelings are the only ones that matter because....duh....i'm obviously upset."
"you don't care about me....so fuck you"
"my life sucks and you don't get it."
"i act the way i do because of the way i was brought up and i can't change me."
"me"
"i"
"this isn't about you....it's all about me"
"we have to fix this because i need to feel better about myself."

all via IM because...

"i'm to scared to confront people in person."

as i'm listening to my friends fight next door....the only thing i'm asking for is that they don't walk out. if they walk out....they'll be walking away from the hardest thing in the world to create....a good friendship.

a good friend.
someone who knows all about us....and loves us anyways.

....so the yelling has ceased....the laughing has begun....and i guess for now everything is once again on pause...because truthfully....can deep issues be resolved in 10 minutes?

superman

i have only one thing to say...

BITCHES.....they come....they go.

everyone needs to get the fuck over themselves and realise they aren't the center of the world. i'm tired of having to defend everyone else. i'll do it....yes....because its right, but i shouldn't have to.

bye bye my brown eyes...smile like the sunrise

so i just got back from tutoring today....haha...i've decided i'm the worst excuse for a role model ever. they have us "bradley" kids come tutor/mentor at this school that pretty much defines ghetto in hopes of getting the kids motivated to attend college.

well....today my kid asked what i did in college and i made the mistake of saying, "um...i study a lot. i don't know its pretty much just like regular school."

mistake.

he in turn replied, "yuck...i hate studying. i'm not going there to do that anymore."

strike out.

i just ruined a life. i tried to redeem myself by saying well its a lot of fun and i love being there...blah...blah...blah. complete bullshit. how am i suppose to encourage something i feel is a waste of time. ok so i'm not against education, i'm not stupid. i know how life in america works. no college = no money = no life.

but for the 1 1/2 years i've attended this ridiculously overpriced university....i feel the only thing i've truely learned is how to be jaded and paranoid.

i would like to state for the record that my major is listed as one of the hardest majors at Bradley, but i rarely tell people that cause i feel ridiculous doing it. i'm mean c'mon i don't have to take pathophysiowhatever or learn 500 different terms that relate to how a building is made. what people see when they look at the work i do....is a lot of fun computer tricks, making movies, and taking pictures. yeah well its not so fun when you have to work 18 hours straight to put out a piece of artwork that you really aren't even proud of. it makes you feel like you're doing a hell of a lot of work for something people will look at for roughly 6.25 seconds, go "wow....that's really cool," and then move on with the rest of their lives. i like what i do....don't get me wrong.....i love what i do, but its that whole question of business vs. art. there something so unsettling with putting a due date on creativity. the pressure of being forced to produce "amazing" is soooo stressful.

hey maybe thats reason number 2 why i can't sleep.

anyways....i'm tired of complaining and something else has just been brought to my attention. gah.....girl drama...more on that later.

season of redemption

so i'm on a mission to discover what it is that is keeping me from sleeping. as soon as i lay down it seems like a million thoughts start racing the indy 500 in my brain.

test number one: i think it could possible be the regretful relationships i had last year. i took valentine's day this year as a chance to reconcile a lot of my not so sound friendships...the people i hadn't talked to in a while and the people who i'm not so sure ever really care to hear from me ever again....well i made it a point to talk to them. i figure its nice to let them know i care even though i don't do the best job of showing it.

so i messed up pretty bad this summer and i'm on a mission to become friends with the ex....and the ex's new girlfriend...who happens to be my best friend from last year. oh and also lives next door to me. yeah that's awesome.

i feel like a hypocrite because i always say that i don't care what people think when in reality i care so much that it has the power to destroy friendships. i pretty much wrote off all of my friends from last year because i was too embarrassed to be connected to them when i was around my new friends. how fucked up is that? or rather how fucked up is it that people have the power to make you feel like shit just because of who you're friends with? i'm not however blaming them. this one is all on me. if i'm too much of a pansy to do what i want...well then i suck...but i'm not a pansy....i refuse to be. i'm fighting.

yeah...well about this fight....
what am i suppose to do?

act like everything is fine?
like i don't care that one of my best friends is now with one of the only two guys i've ever really had strong feelings for?
that i didn't cheat on him?
that we didn't say all the hurtful things we did?

that seems impossible, but i have noticed one thing.....after a while.....all the bad memories tend to fade out. i don't remember what i said. i don't even remember how i felt. i'm stuck with all the good ones and the pain of wondering why i can't have more of them.




as humans we tend to observe hindsight wearing rose color glasses. we forget how awful we felt throwing up those 12 shots of lime Smirnoff and seem to only remember the fact that the rest of the blurred night was filled with bright lights and laughing. we make all our "old friends" that we rarely get to see a step lower than God.....forgetting the hell that they put us through. we see the boy who we watched break every one of our friend's hearts as the one person who will never break ours. inevitably he will break our heart, we'll be reminded how imperfect every friendship really is, and we will drink again....and throw up again. its a sick cycle.

but one that might be able to help me redeem what i've seemed to have lost.

chemistry of a car crash

so wow...yeah...first post. i just decided i needed something different.

since....

A. myspace is being taken over by "non-conformist" emo kids who like to take pictures of themselves at weird angles while they complain about how much their parents hate them
B. xanga is for the mentally unstable people who like to over-analysing themselves
C. livejournal is just lame
D. and facebook has become a stopping ground for stalkers in training

....i've decided to get away from it all. do something different. something a little more me. i'm not holding back on this one. whoever wants to read it can read it. if you don't like it then you don't have to read it. you don't have to leave me little comments trying to cheer me up or agreeing with what i say. you can read it, think about what i've said and maybe try to see it from my perspective or you can read it and think i'm the most completely disillusioned human being on the planet. either way works for me because i've learned that no matter how hard we try...we can never see the world the way someone else wants us to. i want something that's real again. not the same "sugarcoated and edited for content" blogs i've had in the past. although i've always been one to tell the truth, i've also always been one to people please as well.

this time i want the truth.
so this is how i feel.


yeah i'm a multimedia major so i take a lot of pictures and make a lot of movies....i'll try to post some cool ones whenever i write a post. this one is one of my most favorite pictures ever. it has kind of an errie, intense feeling. the look in my friend's eye is just something that is rarely captured on camera. plus she kinda gave me the idea to start this blog....so i guess i'm thanking her by putting up her picture...haha nice "thank you" right? what can i say...i do what i can.