as i stood in the chilling air of downtown Chicago at 4:30 in the morning, waiting for the "L" to come....i realised that for the first time in my life i felt completely numb. it wasn't from the lack of heat even though i was looking down at my thin sweatshirt wondering why the hell i didn't wear my coat, but it was something deeper. it was the kind of numb you feel when there is nothing left to feel anymore. i looked down the 2 stories into the dark streets and wondered how i ended up here. this hadn't my intention nor anyone elses that night, but none-the-less....i was there. i knew it was real even though i was so mentally exhausted that all fear had somehow left my body. i had never felt more alone in my life...all the heartache of being an only child, from the first time someone you love dies, from the repeated beatings you take every time your friends abandon you....was nothing compared to this. as i stood there, under the red glow of the heat lights i knew something in me had changed. my friend was next to me, an acquaintance next to her, and two strangers on the other side....as far as i could tell we were the only people left on the earth. behind the numbness a panic began to set in....one that left me unsure of....well...really everything. i suddenly became aware of every breathe in my body as i began to replay the surreal events of the previous 12 hours in my head.
i'd like to pause for a second and say that the reason i feel i need to retell the events of this past weekend in such a dramatic fashion, is that for me this is how it felt. we often tell stories to our friends with a million "remember when"s and an occasional "oh yeah" or "i almost forgot" thrown in. very rarely does the story ever get told the right way. the way that evokes emotion. it will be impossible for you to understand how i felt on saturday, but i can tell you. and i'll tell you the way i remember and how i saw it because this is my story. this one is for me...so i'll always remember.
it was somewhere around 4:30pm when we left school. three of us....me and the two girls that live next to me....kirsten and ashley. as we drove past my hometown of bloomington i had the oddest feeling. a mixture of a fading past with a maybe a little bit of impending doom. maybe it was just the conscious kicking in. i knew what was going to happen....what we had been planning to happen for the past few days. i was excited but also nervous. that for me was really different. i'm not the type of person to feel nervous about doing something a little bit dangerous...i usually live for adventure.
but something felt different this time and as yellowcard's "one year, six month" blasted into my ears i still knew that deep down inside i was as naive as i ever had been.
we were visiting kirsten's friends who went to depaul, but really we were on a
mission. the three of us were looking for an escape. an escape from our dull monotonous lives. an escape from the same people, places, and drama that lurked behind every dorm room and was found in every instant message fight back at school. the weekend had started out badly and it was only saturday afternoon. but for me this wasn't just about the weekend or the busy week i had just had at school, but it was about my whole life. it was every bad decision i had walked away from, every chance i missed, every time i felt suffocated by the innocent life that had somehow been created around me.as we passed the mobil gas factory it was just starting to get dark and the smoke rose up around the towering dark steam stacks. the orange glow stung into my eyes and i was suddenly reminded of hell. i told my friends and they laughed, but i was serious. in my scariest nightmares, when i have the clearest picture of pain and suffering...i've always defined hell as what i saw off the road....to the right. kirsten turned around and said something to the effect of, "well who know what's going to happen tonight....we're probably already going to hell." i looked back at the factory as i mentally welcomed myself to the darkside.
my nerves were finally calming down as we entered the city. i guess i was too busy taking in the huge buildings and bright lights. it was such a completely different world. so dirty and loud and as i soon would find out....full of sin. even though i had been there before something seemed different. i had never realise how country i really did grow up until then. i was out of my comfort zone and would be for the next 8 hours.
we almost died before we got to where we were going. its a weird thought now. as the SUV stopped in front of us and i looked around the front seat as we barrelled closer and closer too it.....i have to admit...i wasn't scared. i was almost at peace. i knew we weren't going to die. not that way. i'm not sure you could have fit a quarter between us and the car in front of us. with the smell of burning rubber, our hearts pounding, and the screeching of the tires still echoing in out ears we knew it was going to be an interesting night. when the thought of death doesn't phase you...it becomes apparent the your life has become something you have taken for granted one day too long.
we arrived at our destination sometime around 7ish. as soon as i step out of the car i felt uneasy. like i was so small and insignificant. i had no idea what to think. all i knew was i was hungry and confused as to why we were sitting in a pizza place in chicago watching bradley play basketball and cnn reporting that britney spears had shaved her head. it was just not a normal situation. i look out the wall of windows into the dark street of downtown chicago and knew i didn't belong here, but i shook it off and was ready for a good time.and a good time it was or at least started. i met danielle who was the funniest person i've every had the privilege of conversing with and looked around the apartment amazed at how different it was from the school i had just come from.
we started too early, but then there really is no such thing as too early anymore. after a few drinks i was feeling better. everything suddenly got really funny and for i while i felt comfortably again even though i was slowly being "drug" into this alternate world. i didn't mind at all. we lost ashley after 2 and i felt myself slipping. a few hits later, with burning lungs, i was good. the pain was incredible and i liked it. it was now time to go to the party.
in a group of about 10 (out of which i trusted 2) we walked what seemed like forever to the "L." we waited long enough for all feeling to disappear in my body, but i hardly noticed considering i could barely feel prior to that anyways. we again walked through the empty streets of downtown chicago, but this time i was getting a little annoyed, but we finally made it. as we enter the house and walked into a blur of flashing lights i could feel the vibe of alcohol and sex radiating off the heat that lingered in the air. we stood around for a while and even though my focus was gone...it suddenly hit me. as i shifted what little attention i still had control of from the unbelievably good looking guys, to the hard liquor, to the beer in the green bottles, to the well decorated kitchen, to the cheese-its on the table i realise that something was different. i looked up at kirsten who half smiled back at me....knowing exactly what i was thinking, but i leaned in and asked the question anyways...even though i already knew the answer.
"is everyone here gay?" "yep" "aweeesome"
and it was...for a w
hile. as the night lingered on and the sobering effect of a lifestyle so unlike mine being stabbing at me from every direction....it got more and more uncomfortable. what i saw as funny suddenly became sad and what i learned from tv suddenly became real. i realise that everything i thought i was sure of was only because i had not experienced it. i have for a long time felt as though i was an adult. that i knew the ways of the world, but as i watched 2 guys make out in a hallway....i realise i had no idea. i was only a child. a kid trying to act grown up. barely able to disguse my innocence and purity. in reality i knew nothing.i stood around as the echo of heavy-bass-sex music and the openness of affection raped me. not physically...but emotionally. i looked to my friends who stared in a stupor with mouths open and i knew i wasn't alone. i took a second to thank them in my head for being good people.
a lot of the times you think you know yourself. if you had asked me before this party if i was homophobic of any kind i would have said no. i and truly believed that i wasn't. i have many friends who are gay, but this was different. i was witnessing something more. it was
an intense,dirty, infected type free love that really shook me up. even though i'm all for loving who you want to love, the fact that i've been brought up a certain way is not something i can shake as easily as i once thought. and it was something that started screaming in me by the end of the night. (i want to make it known that i don't hold any of what i experienced this night against anyone who might be gay. it was just something new and i'm just saying how i felt)
by the time 4 am rolled around i was sitting on the couch....my heavy eyelids were begging to pull me away from this world. but one of the guys we had come with was missing in action. whether it was an in the stomach, up the throat, into the toilet action or and up the ass action...we might not ever know. all we knew was that we weren't leaving for a while.
i looked at my friends trying to find something to hold on too.
in one i saw the anger and the pain of realisation setting in. she was learning that people aren't always who they seem to be. they aren't the people we think we know....everyone has their dirty little secrets and everyone will let us down. most likely over and over and over again.
the other did too well hiding it. i'm not sure what she felt that night. all i can say is that shes one of those people i feel like i need to protect....the type of person who i just want to cover their eyes from time to time. that night i had to sit around, watch, and do nothing.
as for me i closed my eyes and tried to wake myself up....in the back of my mind almost thinking that this whole night had to have been a dream. i'd seen more than i needed to, heard more than i should, and imagined things i never wanted to. i leaned back and began to feel my body relax, all of a sudden all of my emotions were gone. i looked up and realise nothing was phasing me anymore. i had become numb. numb to the world. numb to life. numb to feelings of any kind.
and we're back to where my story began. kirsten stayed at the party to make sure steve was ok, while ashley, danielle, and i went back to go sleep. we waited forever for that train. the strangers waiting with us were drunk and decided that is would be fun to talk to us and sing. i should have been scared for my life. i think i told myself i was, but i really wasn't because at that point all i could focus on was the fact that i didn't care. you never know how you're going to react until you're put into those situation in real life. i know now....i'm not near as strong of a person as i though i was. i guess i always though i would be fearless. the one that would save everyone else, but i stood against the wall silently wishing someone would save me. we said nothing to them....and somewhere in the back of my head i waited for one of them to get angry and pull a knife on us. as i think back now....i'm 100% positive i have no idea what i would have done. i would like to say i would have fought back, but i don't really know that i would have. like they say in fight club, "how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?" that might have been the lesson of the night. that we really know nothing about ourselves until we put in the most intense situation and are forced to deal with it.
i thought i knew myself before this weekend but i didn't. i'm not as bad as i thought i was. i'm not as open as i thought i was. i no longer trust the world the way i have in the past. i use to think nothing bad could ever happen to me. now i know....that for everyone, "bad" is just a matter of time. we finally made it back after a stomach churning train ride and another freezing walk.
we arrived only to find that we had no place to sleep because we seemed to keep getting involved with people who only cared about themselves.
once kirsten got back we really didn't care and ended up crashing on danielle's concrete floor. if it wasn't for her we probably would have been lost somewhere in chicago and i most likely wouldn't be writing this right now.
we got up the next morning, ate, and drove back in almost a fragile, confused disbelief. we talked about what had happened and i continued to try to figure how it had. i'm still kinda unsure. all i know is that i left part of myself in chicago that night. i won't ever get it back, but its one of those thing i think everyone has to lose eventually. it's the false notion that "everything will be fine," that "life is some sort of blessing" that "everyone is inherently good". in reality it's all just a test. as we drove past "hell"... on the left side of the road this time....i thanked god for bringing me back home and for giving me another chance.
and i finally understood that other quote from fight club:
"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
THE END
this weekend was crazy. i'll probably remember it for the rest of my life. and even though so much bad stuff happen i'm really happy it did. its the only way we can learn and grow....both of which i did. so thanks chicago for giving me something to write about and something to look back on and laugh.
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