it's a cold and it's a broken....hallelujah....

so i was talking to one of my boys last night.....i wish there were more guys like him.

i really do.

i've been so spoiled with my friends that i keep measuring everyone up to them.
i look for guys as nice as them.
for guys as caring as them.
for guys as sensitive.
who will talk to me about life and not just the same old boring stuff.
i can never find them.

anyways......back to my topic i planned on.....

we were talking and we touched on a lot of topics that i feel the need to expand on now so i'm going to.

high school friends.
very few of us know each other anymore. we are away for months at a time. see each other a few times a year and them come back in the summer for everything to go back to normal. i'm starting to see that it can't. we live such different lives. we really know nothing about each other anymore......but for some reason we still click.

BUT i can feel it getting harder and harder. being with my friends last night, who i haven't seen in a while, was different. i love being with them, but all we ever do is look for fun. we are still stuck in the high school recklessness. i'm not saying its bad....its just... with the friends i found at school i've really learned what it means to be someones friend on a much higher level. we're with each other 24/7. you can't go through a situation like that and not end up caring. at home.....its different. as right as it feels to be with everyone....i can just tell that we are getting farther and farther away from each other. there are a few exceptions of course, but we all really are in different places in life, we have different goals, we are connected though our childhood....and granted thats one of the most powerful connections. the people you lose you innocence with are scarred on your heart. they understand you in a way no one else you ever meet when your older can. at the same time though.....they don't grow with you and that is what creates the rip.

life is so unfair.
being here with my friends again has only made me hate society even more. it is so unfair. why do the best people always get shafted. some of my friends are the greatest people i know.....but they have nothing. they deserve everything.

to have to live on your own at 19, with no help from your parents, no money, 3 jobs, a family that doesn't care, and stress from trying to go to school at the same time.....well i couldn't do it. i know so many people that have to though. when i think about bradley....it makes me sick. all those kids who are at that school because their parents are paying to make them doctors.....so they can make even more money...makes me sick. kids who run around spending money like its their job.....make me sick. in their bmws. with their expensive clothes. they don't even want to be there. they just want to party and have fun. yeah.....we its not that easy for everyone. i know a lot of kids younger than them who have to worry about surviving. not about who can buy them alcohol on the weekend or where to go on vacation over spring break. i just wish they could change lives for a week.

i know how lucky i am, but i still see it. in my friends. in my family. i know whats its like to not have anything.

i feel so sorry for the suburban trust fund pre-med major with their parent's credit card.
they are living the worst life ever.
i seriously feel bad for them.
they will never survive when the time come that they have to see the world for what it is.

a sick cycle hell
where the rich get richer
the poor get poorer
and everyone resents each other

there are so many people who NEVER get a chance to be amazing....because life dealt them a shitty hand.

and there are so many shitty people who get EVERY chance.....because life dealt them an amazing hand.

why? can someone tell me. i seriously want to cry sometimes. i just want to help these people i've met who are so incredible give the world what they have to offer and i can't.

i don't deserve the life i have.
i don't deserve the money i have.
i don't deserve the parents i have.
i don't deserve the school i go to.
i don't deserve anything.

i hate it.


========================

softball.
i miss it.
it hurts.
if there was one thing in life that i was good at....it was softball.
i don't play anymore.
sometimes it makes me sad.
sometimes it doesn't.
sometime i wonder what i could have become.
then i wonder what i would have had to give up to become it.
my friends.
my life.
my dreams.
i still miss it.
i was a natural.
it was my life for 17 years.
it feel like there is a big hole now.
what's going to fill it?


um hey....i hope i pass my drug test. i think i'm psyching myself out.

and i don't think there is a better show on than scrubs.

i can feel the pressure it's getting closer now....

ok....so i'm finally feeling it.

the pressure.




this weekend we had my cousin's pre-wedding shower and it hit me that...
it's me and my cousin micah...

and now he might possible have a girlfriend (which i thought wouldn't happen for at least a few more years)
yeah....we're next to get married.
at least thats what's expected.
i'm going to be pretty upset if my 15 year old cousin chelsea gets married before me....but from the look of myspace that might not be impossible.

haha....we'll the family is just going to have to wait.


i hear all my other friends talking about it and stuff...but i've never been the one who was worried about finding someone or getting married anytime soon. AND now lately i don't appreciate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is pushing me to find someone who is perfect AND that i can be with for the rest of my life.

gah.....sick. i don't even want to think about it.

how is this so easy for some people?
they have the perfect person and easily transition into married life. they get old, have kids, live the american dream.

it is not that freaking easy! ahhhh! or is there just something wrong with me?

i was really not that worried about it until lately. until everyone started asking me if there's anyone special and i stated seeing happy couples everywhere. my friends getting married. my cousins getting married. sex. babies. jobs. uggg i'm old....but....

i want that.
i won't lie.
as much as i try to avoid it and say i don't really care....
i do.

i just suck at relationships. i'm not sure i'm programed to feel that way about anyone. even while in relationships.....i find myself caring more about my friends and just not being good at commitment to just one person. oops.

i think i'm scared. i don't want to get too involved because i'm the type of person who gets really attached. and to be perfectly honestly....i haven't found anyone i like that much. i think i've "loved" a couple people....but when i stop to really look at it. i'm not sure i could be with them forever.

the love that i seem to have for people is general. its hard and rough and unchangeable. with my friends.....i fall for them way to quickly and love them too much probably. maybe there's nothing left for that one on one relationship with a guy.

uggg...guys....they make me so angry...sometime i wish i was into girls cause i can relate so well to them and (lets be honest here) i could probably make any of them fall for me. haha. im dead serious. i always know that right things to say and what to do......but guys are so much harder. well at least these "guys" who i'm suppose to marry......not my guy friends....why is it so different? i can be me with them and not worry about life getting in the way, but all these new boys are scary and not normal. i just feel like i can't get close to them at all.

i'm not liking this whole game.....its too much of a challenge. i would prefer this part of life to be simple. thanks.....god can we work on that?


so now....unfortunately.....all the guys i meet are potentials and i hate it. i miss just being friends with boys and not worrying about marrying any of them. i don't want to get any older cause i'm not ready for this.


dammit.

this is the way i live...

so i really don't want to get in the habit of using other people's words in my blogs....but i just got done watching the movie Bobby with my parents and....wow....let me tell you....that was a great movie. the cast was incredible (i'm in love with shia lebeouf) and robert kennedy was an amazing man. his words rang out to a generation. he understood the youth of american in a way no one else could. after hearing his mindless menace of violence speech from the movie....i started to read some of his others. he was way ahead of his time. so far ahead that he was killed because people were scared of him. he spoke openly on violence and how the only way to stop violence was to cleans it from society. in others word....there is really no hope. people will always hate, they will always look at another person and judge them. there is no escaping it.

"but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul."

i think our world in a lot of trouble. we have been brought up in fear.

fear of the person standing next to us.
fear of what is different.
fear of change.

we are taught to fear what we want the most.
to want what is easy.
to take the easy is a way out.
we need an out from the fear instilled within us.

we can no longer look at another person in the eyes without questioning their motives.
our country is paranoid.
but as far as i can tell we have to be.

"When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered."

its all about fear. its why we fight with each other. why we yell. why we hurt so much.....we're all just too afraid to ask for help from one another. we see others as enemies....even our friends. they are our competition in the game of life. whether its for grades or money....attention or love. we are constantly questioning their motifs because we are frightened by them. scared they will only hurt us more. because they do and they will.

kenndy could see this. we long for happiness and contentment.....something that is found in the person sitting next to us.....but we are too scared to ask for it from them. we are too jaded to believe they will give it to us.
instead we run.
we dwell on pain because it is real.
we rely on our own strength.
we hurt.
and we never move forward.

"But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again."

I might have found a new hero tonight.
a hero in a man who was deprive of his chance to change a nation.
deprived of showing compassion to a compassion-less society.
he was a living threat to fear.
and fear destroyed him.

thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great...

so i've just been through the worst week of my life.

the absolute worst week.

i'm surprised i actually made it to be quite honest....i have a couple people i really owe a lot to. they got me through it.

i've never in my life felt so hopeless and desperate.

in a nutshell everything that could have gone wrong did.
with school.
with where i was planning to live.
with people from here.
with people from home.
with everything.

just nothing could go right. and i guess its help me to see that i can't take anything or anyone for granted because one day it/they might not be there.

i guess its probably just the stress of the end of the year and everything thats been building, but it blew up completely this year. last year was bad.....but that was the calm before the storm. i guess i just find it hard to understand. my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. i've been really blessed to have had the best friends a person could ever ask for. there are some that have moved away, some i've grow apart from, and some i've just found to not get along with as well anymore......but in general they have been amazing. thats why i guess i have a hard time giving up on friendships.

i fight for them....until i can't anymore.

i'm almost the point where i can't.....physically, emotionally, and mentally.

the hardest thing to have to go through is the realization that you care about someone more than they care about you.
the other hardest thing is realizing that people care more about you than you do about them.

neither one of them is something that is controllable. i'm a big believer that we find the people we are suppose to find....and that we need certain people for unique reasons to that relationship. thats why i don't do "best friends." i hate that term because all of my friends are equally important to me. i couldn't just pick one who is the best because who can really judge best....

the person who i like the best.
the person who treats me the best.
the person who is the "best" type of friend.

there is no way to define it.


i hate hate hate when people group people together in these friend groups. its so junior high. we all are adults now. we can be friends with who we want. when you start basing your relationship with one person on your relationship with someone else.....it only turns out bad. because they aren't the same person. give everyone what they deserve......a friendship with you and only you.




i'm a protective person. i could care less about myself....but having to watch people i love be in pain....sends me over the edge. too much of that has been going on in this past week. i think thats the main reason i've been feeling so shitty. that and the fact that people don't understand how they effect others. thats a big problem here. you can't do something and not expect it to have backlash on everyone. people have to take a second to think about everyone and not just what will be best for them....because most of the time it won't be good for everyone else. thats where you have the choice....

do whats best for you

or

do whats best for everyone else


i don't know what the right answer is. there really isn't one i guess. it's all a matter of choice.


anyways.....enough babbling over......topics that will always be an issue.
i used to always want an exciting drama filled life like the shows on tv and now that i have one....well its not exactly what i expected. i didn't want it to hurt as much as it does.

but its going to be a great summer...i can feel it.
i plan on seeing everyone at home that i miss so much....hopefully they can get me back on track.

i plan on seeing my family (extended too) a lot and taking in the love from them...watching my cousin get married....and watching the little ones grow up. i will be praying that when they are 20 and in their 2nd year of college they won't have to go through anything i have.

i plan on taking advantage of kirsten and steph being down here. that will be good time.

i plan on moving into the house that i'm living in. i'm super excited. i've got 2 amazing people who are going to share this experience with me.

i plan on working and meeting new people.

i plan on enjoying life again. i've missed that feeling.


anyways....just thought i should update...there is way more i want to say, but again.....sometimes commentating on life is just not as important as living it.

i think about you all the time, but i don't need the same...

with the end of another school year coming to a close...

i'm thinking that even though i've done it 14 times before its one thing that never changes...

....the bittersweetness of the end.


i have 2 years left of college.
im
done with grade school
done with junior high.
done with high school.
done with being a child.
done with the safety nets and guard rails.

i'm alone.
on my own.

and in 2 years....i'm going to have to figure out what path i'm taking for the rest of my life.


i hate thinking about my future. i'm not going to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher. i'm going to be another lost soul looking for inspiration....falling until i hit rock bottom. when i joke about living on the streets and moving away forever....i'm not really kidding. i know what people in my line of work have to do.

they have to sacrifice easy living....in order to find work.
they have to sacrifice love....in order to make a life.

i don't know if i can do it.
i don't know if i want to live in the slums of new york.
i don't know if i can move away from everyone that means so much to me.

this year have been both a blessing and a curse.

on the blessing side. i've found people who mean more to me than the world. i've found the siblings i never had. i used to think i knew what it meant to love people, but i'm starting to think i had no idea. in high school....i found friends who really understood. we were perfect. we never fought, rarely disagreed, and our main goal was fun....we were kids.

now i've found something different. i've found people....who piss me off, make me so angry i can't see straight, yell at me, knock me down, continually disappoint me, lie to me, worry me, hurt me, and at times make me hate my life.

BUT throughout all of that......i can't help but love them.

they make me smile for no reason, make me laugh until i cry, give me more comfort than anyone ever has before, build me up, listen to me, talk to me, help me, stand by me, stand up for me, take care of me, and make me love me love my life.

i've met 5 of the most beautiful girls ever. beautiful because they aren't perfect. beautiful because they aren't like me.

but at the same time that i feel so blessed to have found them.....they are my curse. for the life i have to live....they (and others like them) will forever be my downfall. attachment is asking for heartbreak.

so today we found out that the house we were all going to live in....will only let 3 of us live there. when i found out i wasn't shocked at all. none of us have luck....when we get together we're a recipe for bad. i swear that nothing ever EVER works out for us. we've been through hell this year.

why do the best people always get shafted and the bad people always have everything work out for them?

i began to think over what was going on (since i believe stuff happens for a reason) and the first thing my mind raced to was....
maybe this isn't where i'm suppose to be
maybe bradley is not where i'm going to find my life
maybe i should just transfer now.

the second thing was....
maybe this is an easy way out of the attachments i've gotten myself into
maybe this is a way to break the ties
maybe i don't need these people as much as i thought.


but i do.
i run from too many good things.

i'm not sure i'm going to be able to do what i want because ....i'm not sure i'm strong enough to disregard everything else i need. i don't know if i'm willing to live life on my own forever. these people have ruined me. they've cared and gotten me to care.

now i'm just sad when i think about the future.

i guess life will work itself out.....right now i'm going to enjoy the little time i have left.