the pressure.
this weekend we had my cousin's pre-wedding shower and it hit me that...
it's me and my cousin micah...
and now he might possible have a girlfriend (which i thought wouldn't happen for at least a few more years)
yeah....we're next to get married.
at least thats what's expected.
i'm going to be pretty upset if my 15 year old cousin chelsea gets married before me....but from the look of myspace that might not be impossible.
haha....we'll the family is just going to have to wait.
i hear all my other friends talking about it and stuff...but i've never been the one who was worried about finding someone or getting married anytime soon. AND now lately i don't appreciate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that is pushing me to find someone who is perfect AND that i can be with for the rest of my life.
gah.....sick. i don't even want to think about it.
how is this so easy for some people?
they have the perfect person and easily transition into married life. they get old, have kids, live the american dream.
it is not that freaking easy! ahhhh! or is there just something wrong with me?
i was really not that worried about it until lately. until everyone started asking me if there's anyone special and i stated seeing happy couples everywhere. my friends getting married. my cousins getting married. sex. babies. jobs. uggg i'm old....but....
i want that.
i won't lie.
as much as i try to avoid it and say i don't really care....
i do.
i just suck at relationships. i'm not sure i'm programed to feel that way about anyone. even while in relationships.....i find myself caring more about my friends and just not being good at commitment to just one person. oops.
i think i'm scared. i don't want to get too involved because i'm the type of person who gets really attached. and to be perfectly honestly....i haven't found anyone i like that much. i think i've "loved" a couple people....but when i stop to really look at it. i'm not sure i could be with them forever.
the love that i seem to have for people is general. its hard and rough and unchangeable. with my friends.....i fall for them way to quickly and love them too much probably. maybe there's nothing left for that one on one relationship with a guy.
uggg...guys....they make me so angry...sometime i wish i was into girls cause i can relate so well to them and (lets be honest here) i could probably make any of them fall for me. haha. im dead serious. i always know that right things to say and what to do......but guys are so much harder. well at least these "guys" who i'm suppose to marry......not my guy friends....why is it so different? i can be me with them and not worry about life getting in the way, but all these new boys are scary and not normal. i just feel like i can't get close to them at all.
i'm not liking this whole game.....its too much of a challenge. i would prefer this part of life to be simple. thanks.....god can we work on that?
so now....unfortunately.....all the guys i meet are potentials and i hate it. i miss just being friends with boys and not worrying about marrying any of them. i don't want to get any older cause i'm not ready for this.
dammit.
1 comment:
now you know why I can't talk to guys at all...why I couldn't talk to Western Civ kid or any of the others from the crush wheel...because once you crush on someone they are all labeled potential...and that is nerve racking and stressful...and I hate thinking I'm going to be alone in my life....because like you...to be honest...none of them really impress me that much. So i just make out with them and move on :(
Awful...Don't be like me.
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