i think about you all the time, but i don't need the same...

with the end of another school year coming to a close...

i'm thinking that even though i've done it 14 times before its one thing that never changes...

....the bittersweetness of the end.


i have 2 years left of college.
im
done with grade school
done with junior high.
done with high school.
done with being a child.
done with the safety nets and guard rails.

i'm alone.
on my own.

and in 2 years....i'm going to have to figure out what path i'm taking for the rest of my life.


i hate thinking about my future. i'm not going to be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher. i'm going to be another lost soul looking for inspiration....falling until i hit rock bottom. when i joke about living on the streets and moving away forever....i'm not really kidding. i know what people in my line of work have to do.

they have to sacrifice easy living....in order to find work.
they have to sacrifice love....in order to make a life.

i don't know if i can do it.
i don't know if i want to live in the slums of new york.
i don't know if i can move away from everyone that means so much to me.

this year have been both a blessing and a curse.

on the blessing side. i've found people who mean more to me than the world. i've found the siblings i never had. i used to think i knew what it meant to love people, but i'm starting to think i had no idea. in high school....i found friends who really understood. we were perfect. we never fought, rarely disagreed, and our main goal was fun....we were kids.

now i've found something different. i've found people....who piss me off, make me so angry i can't see straight, yell at me, knock me down, continually disappoint me, lie to me, worry me, hurt me, and at times make me hate my life.

BUT throughout all of that......i can't help but love them.

they make me smile for no reason, make me laugh until i cry, give me more comfort than anyone ever has before, build me up, listen to me, talk to me, help me, stand by me, stand up for me, take care of me, and make me love me love my life.

i've met 5 of the most beautiful girls ever. beautiful because they aren't perfect. beautiful because they aren't like me.

but at the same time that i feel so blessed to have found them.....they are my curse. for the life i have to live....they (and others like them) will forever be my downfall. attachment is asking for heartbreak.

so today we found out that the house we were all going to live in....will only let 3 of us live there. when i found out i wasn't shocked at all. none of us have luck....when we get together we're a recipe for bad. i swear that nothing ever EVER works out for us. we've been through hell this year.

why do the best people always get shafted and the bad people always have everything work out for them?

i began to think over what was going on (since i believe stuff happens for a reason) and the first thing my mind raced to was....
maybe this isn't where i'm suppose to be
maybe bradley is not where i'm going to find my life
maybe i should just transfer now.

the second thing was....
maybe this is an easy way out of the attachments i've gotten myself into
maybe this is a way to break the ties
maybe i don't need these people as much as i thought.


but i do.
i run from too many good things.

i'm not sure i'm going to be able to do what i want because ....i'm not sure i'm strong enough to disregard everything else i need. i don't know if i'm willing to live life on my own forever. these people have ruined me. they've cared and gotten me to care.

now i'm just sad when i think about the future.

i guess life will work itself out.....right now i'm going to enjoy the little time i have left.