thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great...

so i've just been through the worst week of my life.

the absolute worst week.

i'm surprised i actually made it to be quite honest....i have a couple people i really owe a lot to. they got me through it.

i've never in my life felt so hopeless and desperate.

in a nutshell everything that could have gone wrong did.
with school.
with where i was planning to live.
with people from here.
with people from home.
with everything.

just nothing could go right. and i guess its help me to see that i can't take anything or anyone for granted because one day it/they might not be there.

i guess its probably just the stress of the end of the year and everything thats been building, but it blew up completely this year. last year was bad.....but that was the calm before the storm. i guess i just find it hard to understand. my friends have always been the most important thing in my life. i've been really blessed to have had the best friends a person could ever ask for. there are some that have moved away, some i've grow apart from, and some i've just found to not get along with as well anymore......but in general they have been amazing. thats why i guess i have a hard time giving up on friendships.

i fight for them....until i can't anymore.

i'm almost the point where i can't.....physically, emotionally, and mentally.

the hardest thing to have to go through is the realization that you care about someone more than they care about you.
the other hardest thing is realizing that people care more about you than you do about them.

neither one of them is something that is controllable. i'm a big believer that we find the people we are suppose to find....and that we need certain people for unique reasons to that relationship. thats why i don't do "best friends." i hate that term because all of my friends are equally important to me. i couldn't just pick one who is the best because who can really judge best....

the person who i like the best.
the person who treats me the best.
the person who is the "best" type of friend.

there is no way to define it.


i hate hate hate when people group people together in these friend groups. its so junior high. we all are adults now. we can be friends with who we want. when you start basing your relationship with one person on your relationship with someone else.....it only turns out bad. because they aren't the same person. give everyone what they deserve......a friendship with you and only you.




i'm a protective person. i could care less about myself....but having to watch people i love be in pain....sends me over the edge. too much of that has been going on in this past week. i think thats the main reason i've been feeling so shitty. that and the fact that people don't understand how they effect others. thats a big problem here. you can't do something and not expect it to have backlash on everyone. people have to take a second to think about everyone and not just what will be best for them....because most of the time it won't be good for everyone else. thats where you have the choice....

do whats best for you

or

do whats best for everyone else


i don't know what the right answer is. there really isn't one i guess. it's all a matter of choice.


anyways.....enough babbling over......topics that will always be an issue.
i used to always want an exciting drama filled life like the shows on tv and now that i have one....well its not exactly what i expected. i didn't want it to hurt as much as it does.

but its going to be a great summer...i can feel it.
i plan on seeing everyone at home that i miss so much....hopefully they can get me back on track.

i plan on seeing my family (extended too) a lot and taking in the love from them...watching my cousin get married....and watching the little ones grow up. i will be praying that when they are 20 and in their 2nd year of college they won't have to go through anything i have.

i plan on taking advantage of kirsten and steph being down here. that will be good time.

i plan on moving into the house that i'm living in. i'm super excited. i've got 2 amazing people who are going to share this experience with me.

i plan on working and meeting new people.

i plan on enjoying life again. i've missed that feeling.


anyways....just thought i should update...there is way more i want to say, but again.....sometimes commentating on life is just not as important as living it.