silent all these years...

so today has been a different day.

i woke up exhausted. like completely drained. i'm not quite sure what is going on.


anyways the whole day i was kinda blah...i didn't want to go deal with anything. i just wanted to lay down and not have to talk to anyone. but i sucked it up....and went...cause what other choice did i have....


anyways it was good i did because for about 3 hours tonight i was happier than i have been in a long time...i'm starting to feel like i'm developing a separate life again....kinda like with drama in high school. we had our first anti-alias meeting tonight which basically means we (multimedia students) hang out...have fun....help each other. i love the people who are in my major...yes even the ex. its so nice and comforting to be around them. to be able to talk about things that your normal friends would care less about. its amazing how close you can become by looking at each others divs, getting advice on shadows, and understanding the importance of 4 gigs of ram. i really love my job too. i love the people i work with. i remember feeling very intimidated at the beginning of the year just cause i was the new person, but now i've finally gotten comfortable enough with them to joke around and really feel like a part of that group. i remember being a freshman and thinking whoa....those people that work there must be really awesome and good at this. haha lies. its kinda funny that its me now. i guess i kinda like pseudo-power and knowing who everyone is. it feels much more like a family. all my co-workers are great. i'm marrying trevor.....he doesn't know it yet. i hope he randomly stalks me and sees this though. and the girls i work with....amazing. all of them are incredible at what they do and super funny. its weird cause being a multimedia student means you are required to have certain traits and certain interests. its just so very different to meet girls who are like me.

on the downside of today...

do you ever wish you could...
say just the right thing that would fix everything?
say just the right thing that would make someone else understand?
say just the right thing to start the conversation?
say just the right thing to end a conversation?
say just the right thing to tell someone how you feel?
say just the right thing that wouldn't scare someone away?
say just the right thing to make someone else fall in love?
say just the right thing that would rip someone apart?
say just the right thing that would make the other person need you?
say just the right thing that would make the other person want you?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than him?
say just the right thing that would make you more important than her?
say just the right thing to not sound selfish?
say just the right thing to make everything better?
say just the right thing that would make the moment?
say just the right thing that would convince yourself that you don't feel anything?

sometimes i have so much to say, but i just can't say it. there are times when i have everything on my mind, yet i don't know how to form sentences. it makes me feel very alone. is there a point where you run out of things to say or a point where what wants to be said just doesn't happen.

everyone is off on other people tangents....maybe i'm just a little jealous. i guess i can't help it. its not fair to make someone be everything to everyone.....however thats the reason everyone gets hurt. everyone wants to mean everything to everyone.