sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

i randomly teared up today when i was talking to my friend on aim...wow....the power of technology.

20/20 hindsight.

its incredible how clear everything that once seemed so blurry can become when you just give it time and truth. i went to church last sunday and of course it put me into "deeper-meaning mode." what is it about religion that does that? maybe it just the want for the world to give you answers to all the questions you keep asking?

anyways.....it got me thinking about how we are never satisfied with what we have. we always are reaching for something better....something more.....something that will make us happy. the problem is we just keep reaching. we rarely take time to appreciate the greatness of what is or what was because we're too concerned with the pain of what could be.

thats where hindsight comes in.

its amazing how it can blindside you at 8:32 at night on some random tuesday via a string of words printed on your computer screen.

for as much complaining as i do.....i have much more to be grateful for. its sad i can't find the courage to admit it.


i find myself asking God a lot of the time...
why i'm in this position?
why am i here?
how am i suppose to help this person?
am i suppose to be letting them help me?
is this part of "the plan"?
......it can't be...because life is sucking balls right now and i'm not happy.

it's....i guess....alright (thats the best word to describe it) when you realize that you were wrong and God did have a plan the whole time.

as i look back on these past 2 and half years that have made up this whirlwind of college life...i'm starting to realize that everything has been part of "the plan." even those times i swore i was going to jump of the top of the GCC.....splat. i guess its good i didn't.

the words said out of anger, the fights, the periods of extended silence, the awkwardness, the unhappiness.....all mean nothing to me anymore because tonight i figured something out. God was on MY side. he knew who i needed on my team and picked them out for me. he just wanted me to find them on my own. there really is nothing else that could explain it when i really stop and think about it.

and here is me...stopping and thinking...
we find the people we are suppose to find. we lose those we are suppose to lose.

freshman year i had a bitch of a roommate. she was angry all the time, depressed, never talked to me. i had to force her to go places with me and after a year....i still couldn't tell if she liked me or not. i didn't want out.....but sometimes i wish i had a different roommate. 2 years later....that girl is one of my closest friends. i'm not sure if we tried or we just grew into it, but i can't really explain it or why it happened. she understands in a way that no one else does.....not just about freshman year, but me in general. after living together for 2 years....one year in silence and one year in awkwardness.....its fused into a history that is probably my favorite with anyone i've ever known. if someone would have asked me the 3rd week of freshman year if we were going to end up being good friends....i would have taken bets on no. if someone would have asked me the summer after freshman year....i still would have said no. if someone would have asked me the last week of sophomore year.....i would have said absolutely not. ask me right now?

yes. she keeps me sane.


so theres was a girl that went to my high school. i never really talked to her much until senior year. we were friends by association.....so we found out we were both going to bradley. sweet. we hung out a few times and ended the summer with "we should hang out after we both get moved into the dorm." "ok...why not?" yeah that "why not" turned into "why don't you become my 'best friend'(gag....sorry i hate that term)?" we've had a long 3 years of ups ands down as well. if someone would have asked me senior year if we were going to be good friends.....i would have taken bets no. if someone would have asked me the end of freshman year....if would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me the middle of sophomore year....i would have said she drives me crazy. if someone would have asked me this summer....i would have said she drives me crazy. ask me now?

she still drives me crazy.....but if she didn't i wouldn't be able to make it.

and then there's this new girl. i didn't really know much about her until maybe a couple months ago. i've known her since freshman year, but there was always been something between us. time, distance, people....who knows. so junior year comes around.....we become pretty good friends. not bffs, but she was definitely my favorite new addition to my life. shit goes down and all of a sudden i'm living with her and only her in a huge house for the next 2 years. all time, distance, and people are removed and i left scared to death of this little girl who about as far from scary as eminem is from george w. bush. i'm just not a fan of one of one time with people i don't know. i was like cool God....what do i have in common with girl?

ask me now?

how did i manage to survive without her?


its amazing how things turn out. when i think about who ended up with who after the hell that was last year.....i smile. someone knew who needed each other and they knew way before any of us ever figured it out. in rage we chose sides and i guess sometimes you have to listen to your heart. i look at my ex-roommate and i look at my high school friend and i know they are helping each other in ways they don't even realize. sometimes i get sad that i can't look behind me and see my ex-roommate sleeping or watching animal planet. sometime i get sad we don't have anymore crazy back to back aim conversation. sometime i get sad i that i strangely understand her now. and my high school friend....sometime i get sad that she doesn't come to me right away anymore. sometime i get sad that we're actually functional friends. most of the time though i'm happy for them. as for me....God knew who i needed/what i needed/how i needed it and i see it now. she's changed me more than she'll ever know. all for the better. i'd like to think that in some way i changed her too. whether its true or not? i guess its just more poetic to go with yes.

and there are a handful of others intertwined in these stories who have affected me just as much and who i wouldn't trade a second or any of the good or the bad for anything. they have equally made a difference in my life too. like i said....we meet the people we are suppose meet.

so anyways that was my sappy.....shoutouts blog. you can kill yourself now for reading it.

i like thinking that life has some deeper meaning.

sue me.



oh yeah.....derek williams.