the question.....why?
the answer.....love.
and this is life's only truth.
i started crying about 5 minutes in and stop about 5 minutes after. the story line is sad, but that wasn't why. it was showing me once again.....that i am here...whether i like it or not. whether i'm happy or not.
Jen: You're suffering from a bad case of "is this is?"
Pacey: You think?
Jen: Yeah...I gotta tell you this IS it. This is definitely it so you should make the most of it.....as much as you want to you can't rely on someone else to make you feel alive...it's an inside job.
unfortunately this is exactly what i've been dealing with this whole year.
this is not what i planned my life at 21 to be. this is not what i dreamed of. i'm not where i wanted to be. i'm not with who i wanted to be with. i'm not doing what i wanted to do. i just feel like.......is this it? is this really it? is this all i'm going to get?
and right now.....it is.
and its pretty freaking good even thought i can't always see it. i've got family, friends, love, hope, faith, life, health, happiness, home, dreams, drama, anger, pain.....everything that life is suppose to be. what i need to do is just get over it and live in the now because at some point i'm going to look around and be alone and realize that if only i had appreciated what i had when i had it i could have avoided all the regret in my life.
you know.....its funny. when we love people we wish constantly for their happiness. that is....until we end up somehow sitting alone in a room filled with happy people being the only one miserable. we wonder how it is it got to that point and THAT is the definition of dark blue. it's the fake smiles and white lies we use to keep everyone happy and with that i am back to the reason i started this blog....hmm....empty smiles and a lack of sleep. i'm definitely not sleeping again. at least this time i know why.
soooo there is it. what has to be changed. i can't be that selfish and that is what d
awson's creek has once again reminded me of. that i'm not alone as much as i try to subliminally tell myself that i am. there's a handful of people who will continue to stand by me no matter how hard i try to push them away. i guess as things change without me i feel like i get pushed aside.....which might be true.....but aside is not behind and that is what i have to accept.it's amazing how blinding love is. blind to flaws, blind to others, blind to ourselves. being on the outside is rough because unfortunately you still have your contacts in. you can still see the flaws, the feelings of others, everything......but another part of life is trust and i will trust until i'm given a reason not to. then i will kick ass. haha.
sometimes i wonder where we're all going to be in five years.....will we all be meeting up in bars to relive our pasts, are we really going to be living out our dream jobs, reconnecting with our soulmates, still pining away in silence for the only person we've ever loved, getting married, dying.......are we even going to still be in contact with each other? i would like to believe that soapy tv gets it right every once in a while and that we will be. its kinda scares me.....to look back and see how much things can change in a year....think about five.
oh life.
i guess the only answer is to hold on as tightly as you can to the people that make you feel like your 15 again and that life is somehow worth it.....
Jen- "I just want the 3 of you to stay friends... and I hope you stay in touch. Never forget what you mean to each other and the effect that you've had on each other's lives. So friendship can really never be over or underestimated."
i'm not really feeling that great....i think i'm getting sick. i couldn't even stay awake to watch hairspray. so i'm stopping....i just wanted to pour out some thoughts. i had a whole other thing i was planning on writing about instead of this. i guess that will have to wait until later....
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
hope you enjoyed the old pics....haha...look how young we looked. crazy.
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