god. i feel so miserable.
fuck.
what is it that i need anymore? who is it?
i feel.......i don't know....bad....i guess. just bad. nothing else really. i'm happy at times. sad too. but overall just bad. i don't know what's happened to me.
when did i turn into this person i've become?
this isn't me.
it can't be.
i'm so tired of feeling like this.....this whatever it is. emptiness.....incompleteness. i feel like i have no reason for being here.
i'm tired of not being the person my parents thought they raised.
i'm tired of not being the friend i'm suppose to be.
i'm tired of lying.
i'm tired of cheating.
i'm tired of trying so fucking hard.
i'm tired of giving up on people.
i'm tired of accepting.
i'm tired of settling for less.....from me, from my friends, from my life.
i'm just so fucking tired of everything.
who the hell have i become?
as i drove home tonight....the thunder crashed around me, the lighting illuminated the sky with brilliant flashes every 5 seconds, and the rain poured down just hard enough to rinse away the dirty cover i've put over my life. i guess i've been hiding....but tonight i could see ME or rather who i've become. i feel like i don't know me anymore.
i use to love storms. it was always like the world was releasing all it's anger. it was so raw....so painful. the last night of summer before i went to college freshman year there was a huge storm. my friends and i were having a "youth fellowship" thing out at comalara park. i knew that night was the last night of my childhood.
it was a calm day....but as night rolled around the weather got worse and worse. by sunset....the clouds finally gave up and released the greatest storm i've ever seen. we had watched it roll in and at the first crash of thunder.....we didn't run for our cars.....we ran for the giant open grassy area. we spent the next 30 minutes or so running around in the middle of this open area with thunder booming, lighting striking all over, rain coming down in the biggest drops i've ever seen. the energy of the world was incredible, it was complete chaos. i've never in my whole life felt so at ease. in the midst of this madness.....i stood.
not afraid....because i could feel god all around me.
not alone....because the yells from my friends echoed deep in my heart.
not confused....because i knew exactly who i was.
not bored....because my whole life lay out in front of me.
not tired....because nothing could wear me out.
that was the last time in my life.....i could look anyone in the eyes and tell them i was truly happy.
i've spent the last two years chasing that night.
running from that night.
falling from that night.
haunted by that night.
i'm so fucking tired. the past two years have wore me out. they've crushed my dreams. confused me. ripped away god, my friends, my life and left me here.
theres something missing.
one of my favorite lines...from any movie....ever... is from now and then....the women, looking back on her childhood says, "as we grow older....it becomes harder for us to believe, not because we don't want to, but too much has happened that we can't." thats one of the only true revelations i've ever heard.
sitting here i want so much to believe the way i use to. i want to believe that god has a plan for me. i want to believe that we are lead to the people we are suppose to be with. i want to believe that my dreams can come true. i want to believe that true friendship never dies. i want to believe that love endures all.
it seemed so easy back then. the world seemed so big. love seemed stronger. forever was something that could be promised...for real.
forever doesn't seem tangible anymore. somewhere i lost the faith buried deep inside me and now i run around with it on my sleeve. rain is just rain.
these last two years have been so draining i think i've stopped fighting. in high school i fought so hard for everything. in softball....i fought to be the best. in school...i fought to impress. with my parents...i fought for my freedom. with my friends....i fought for their friendship.
i forget about that sometimes. how hard it was.
in the last week....i've been told about 3 times by people that they never expected to be my friend....which in fact meant they never wanted to be, but i fought them....i guess i showed them that i could be a good friend (whether they wanted it...or not) it was ME who needed THEM. what else could i do?
hanging out with dylan and stormie today.....reminded me how hard i felt i had to fight to get them to be my friends. we were never suppose to be, but i saw something different in them....something better. i wanted it and i didn't let anything stop me. i guess i was just selfish. the same with bekah.....as i sat next to her in the movie tonight....i couldn't help but think.....geez....the fight i fought for this. it's not just them...its almost everyone that means something to me. and now.....
i'm nothing like the person who used to fight for them. i've lost the drive to be the good friend. i feel guilty for fighting so hard and leaving them with this....
i'm not who you're looking at.
thats not me.
i promise you....i can be so much better than this.
you know me....you know i can be better.
who is this i have become?
i've become someone obsessed with living my mediocre life. when i moved away, i moved away from my faith. without faith it become so easy to let more powerful things take control.
things like homework/school....caring more about getting my project done than taking a second to really listen to what someone is trying to tell me. i would have used to stop whatever i was doing to listen.
things like self-destruction....needing to feel bad. needing to feel pain to explain the emptiness. the alcohol, the drugs, the lustful actions.....are so cliche, but they work. thats why they are so abundant. i'm caring more about me feeling bad....than other people feeling good.
things like lack of strong beliefs....abandoning my morals. from seeing so much....i've changed a lot of my views on life, but now i feel so lost without them.
things like judging.....i hate judging, but i can't help but do it now. that was a big part of who i use to be. i didn't judge. all the fighting i did for my friends....it was against the judgment of my other friends. against the judgment of my parents. against the judgment of my mind. i followed my heart and let it find who it wanted to find. now i'm too worry what everything thinks. damn it.
i used to like me. i've been told i carry around a demeanor of being a cooler person than everyone else. though i'm not proud of this....i could see that i do it....but i did it because i genuinely liked who i was. now that i'm not the biggest fan of myself and the fact that i still act that way....makes me an jackass or maybe a hypocrite.
how is anyone my friend? i'm not sure i'd be my friend anymore.
i have to change. i want me back.
i want to be able to stand in the middle of chaos and feel at ease. i want god to keep me safe. i want my friends to hold my hand. i want to know who i am and see my whole life ahead of me. i don't want to be so fucking tired.
thats where my happiness lies. chasing time in the middle of a grassy field with the world crashing down around me without a care in the world.
how can i ever get that back?
i guess i'm going to fight again.
my parents deserve the person they raised.
my old friends deserve the person they knew.
my new friends deserve the better side of me they've never seen.
and i want to be the type of person people remember for being a good person....and for my little cousins....a good role model.
4 comments:
Fellow insomniac,
Beautifully described, i applaud you. But i think more people are in your situation than you might realize. At least thats what im starting to figure out.
You see, i've been in a situation these past four years where i've been dying for close relationships. I've been trying to get close with people and trying so so hard to feel something, anything, with someone. And i've been dying to have someone who i could trust. Someone i could talk to and love and have them love me back.
But then i realized i couldn't be loved back. There was no one to love back. I am no one. I got to the point where i just woke up one morning suprised that the past four years of my life weren't really a dream. That they happened and now they are gone and nothing can change that. And i wasn't me, but... i don't even know who me is anymore.
My identity is completely lost. And, i think for that reason i've been unable to get close to anyone because there is nothing in me for anyone to draw close to.
You may have felt that with me.
Either way, i am nobody to everyone, but everybody would say the know me. At least, know of me. Most people would say i am the kind of guy who has more friends than anyone. But, even though at many times i am surrounded by hundreds of people... I am entirely alone.
My childhood was beautiful. I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me only because they didn't grow up like i did. I was happy every second of everyday until 4 years ago.
Every second of everyday. nearly 16 straight years of hapiness.
Now i can't even convince myself that was even me. When i talk of my childhood, i feel like im talking about something that i saw in a movie, read in a book, heard from someone else.
I don't even feel as if i could have dreamed it, because it has become that far from who I am now.
But, those kind of people, people like you and I, give me faith. That is how i really know im still alive. Pain is the only thing left that seems to be real anymore.
Every smile i see seems to be a lie.
Except one, actually. There is one girl that smiles and saves me. But even she is too far from my reach.
Even she is too far from my reach
~ô¿ô
I just want you to know...that you took what I said yesterday the wrong way....you didn't have to fight for me to be your friend...because I wanted to be your friend...I had to many of my own issues back in high school...that I thought I wasn't enough for anyone...that I could never quite possibly be someone that people who wern't already hanging out with me would wanna hang out with. Through the course of junior and senior year I soon learned that that was wrong...and I do believe that it was that alone because I quit being stupid that you and i became friends.
KDO-You are one of those people that I am forever thankful that I quit being stupid...and in some ways I guess you are right...once we meet people we fight not to lose them...because who wants to lose awesome people?....but I just wanted you to know that just because i never thought we would have become friends before we graduated doesn't mean anything bad...it just meant that if we were meant to be friends then there would be a time and place for that to happen...and we did.
and FYI:I remember that storm...and i also remember that night feeling so intense as i ran through the rain from waterson towers...through the puddles...being completely soaked...knowing that night when I went to sleep that I was closing a chapter, and somehow nothing would ever quite be the same again. Just know that you are not alone b/c Bradley makes me feel the same way...from time to time I wonder who I have become and I generally realize I need to rewind because I don't like it....but just know you are not alone! I <3 you!
-stp-
hey katie
didnt know you had a website on here
anyway
just wanted to say hey
-b
KDO! stop being miserable.
You are amazing and i wish i knew you better. maybe someday i will. Who knows.
But, seriously, stop getting caught up with all this stupid stuff. Not that your stupid or the stuff is stupid, but the fact that your caught up in it is pointless and i think you know that and i think that frustrates you even more.
its like you need to zoooom out of the situation to realize.. wow. This doesnt mean near as much to me as i want it to, or this means too much to me and it shouldnt.
Either way, look to your friends.
And by friends i mean... friends.
We are always here.
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