you smile in your sleep...

this weather is a really downer...i mean upper...i mean downer. i can't decided.

ya know those days when the memories just flood in. you can feel it in the air. its like your past is being blown in on every gust of wind and you can't help be feel.............feel like your in a different time and place.

spring always does this to me.

i can feel summer closing in. i can smell the happiness. the freedom.

last year seems so long ago. what happened last year?.....its never important until that first smell of spring....and then every memory comes rushing back in. even though it doesn't seem like it....we're still growing. finally being able to look at pictures from college and to see how we all have changed is surreal. it somehow makes these people i've met here real. they're no longer my "friends" from college...they're just my friends. i haven't just had "fun times" with them....i've lived through life.

its so difficult. we all want so much for that period of getting to know each other to never end. its hard to accept the fact that someone finally knows you (as well as one person can know another) or that you know someone else. its links you together. it create that almost resentful bond. in the beginning its so easy to avoid the obvious and ignore the flaws because...

...somewhere else you have your 'real' relationships.

you don't depend on your new friends because...

...somewhere else you have your 'real' friends.

you can't hate your new life...

....because somewhere else you have your 'real' life.


college/living here/my life.....has finally switched over...i think its happened in the past few months. i no longer find myself worrying about missing out on whats going on at home. i worry about missing out here. i don't lean on my parents or my friends from home the way i used to. i lean on the people here.

i take their troubles
i take their support
i take their heartache
and i take their hugs

because we're all stuck in that stage where we don't know whose hugs will make us feel better.
it feels like none of them do. comfort seems impossible.


finally looking at people and thinking, "wow you grown up so much" is powerful. its reassuring. i think we overestimate the power of time. time connects people. being in the same place at the same time is a huge deal because if you really think about it.....all the people there are in this world and all the places....and then all the combinations of the two. wow. to share something as small as a moment with someone is truly monumental.

this year has definitely been different that last year. new friends. new tasks. new experiences. i'm happy.... i think....but then why do i feel nostalgic every time the spring wind blows? why do i long to feel the way i did last year? i think i long to feel uncomfortable.....uncomfortable with my friends...uncomfortable with the college lifestyle....uncomfortable with my major....uncomfortable in general. uncomfortable mean unconnected. and unconnected is so easy.

ashley and i went to get lunch today and it might have been the spring wind or the patent awkwardness of one of one in itself, but for a minute or so i felt it again. all of a sudden i fell back to last year. she was still new to me. she still made me nervous. and i was uncomfortable. i think its a good thing when people can still do that to you.

because i've been noticing lately that we're all getting a little too comfortable with each other. its at this point that things/people are taken for granted, words aren't thought through, and feelings are disregarded.....


bring on the spring. i need it and all the memories.

just cause you feel like you know someone doesn't me you should give up trying to find out who they are.