test number one: i think it could possible be the regretful relationships i had last year. i took valentine's day this year as a chance to reconcile a lot of my not so sound friendships...the people i hadn't talked to in a while and the people who i'm not so sure ever really care to hear from me ever again....well i made it a point to talk to them. i figure its nice to let them know i care even though i don't do the best job of showing it.
so i messed up pretty bad this summer and i'm on a mission to become friends with the ex....and the ex's new girlfriend...who happens to be my best friend from last year. oh and also lives next door to me. yeah that's awesome.
i feel like a hypocrite because i always say that i don't care what people think when in reality i care so much that it has the power to destroy friendships. i pretty much wrote off all of my friends from last year because i was too embarrassed to be connected to them when i was around my new friends. how fucked up is that? or rather how fucked up is it that people have the power to make you feel like shit just because of who you're friends with? i'm not however blaming them. this one is all on me. if i'm too much of a pansy to do what i want...well then i suck...but i'm not a pansy....i refuse to be. i'm fighting.
yeah...well about this fight....
what am i suppose to do?
act like everything is fine?
like i don't care that one of my best friends is now with one of the only two guys i've ever really had strong feelings for?
that i didn't cheat on him?
that we didn't say all the hurtful things we did?
that seems impossible, but i have noticed one thing.....after a while.....all the bad memories tend to fade out. i don't remember what i said. i don't even remember how i felt. i'm stuck with all the good ones and the pain of wondering why i can't have more of them.
as humans we tend to observe hindsight wearing rose color glasses. we forget how awful we felt throwing up those 12 shots of lime Smirnoff and seem to only remember the fact that the rest of the blurred night was filled with bright lights and laughing. we make all our "old friends" that we rarely get to see a step lower than God.....forgetting the hell that they put us through. we see the boy who we watched break every one of our friend's hearts as the one person who will never break ours. inevitably he will break our heart, we'll be reminded how imperfect every friendship really is, and we will drink again....and throw up again. its a sick cycle.
but one that might be able to help me redeem what i've seemed to have lost.
1 comment:
Wow.
So, all the hindsight stuff...so damn true. I mean, these days I look at Beth and I think...oh, I miss us...when really there barely was an us and she hurt me a fucking lot...but rose colored glasses...so damn true.
We really need to hang out more.
I'm glad you're on a mission to patch things up with Michele. I'm pretty sure, deep down, that's what she wants too, so keep trucking.
As far as what to do? I find that living moment by moment and trying not to ignore the pain or analyze all the fucking puzzles helps.
Oh, and video games.
I recently started playing Troppy's super mario...it's a blessing. If you ever want to come over and play...just let me know. :)
I love you.
Oh and p.s this is sarah d.
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