Beautiful Girl....close your mind....

so whats been going on with me?
a lot.....and nothing at all.
for the most part.
i get up around noon....go to work at 4....work until 11ish...come home....go to bed...and repeat the same thing the next day.

but for my life being mostly that...its been not boring at all.
in fact.....i've been really happy with my life recently.

i'm going to be 21 in 2 days.
21.
legal.
old.
and adult.

its been throwing me for a loop thats for sure.
alcohol won't bring the needed sense of rebellion anymore.
does that mean i need to turn to something else?
haha....the right thing to say is no.
but i've changed a lot of my views this summer.
actually over the past year....i've really broken down a lot of my set morals. i'm finally seeing that i need to be the one to decided what i think is right and wrong. i'm not just going to follow blindly anymore. now i'm not saying i've lost who i am. its just now i have morals that i believe in....on my own.

turning 21 is going to be a pretty easy transition for me.
i have like no friends who are older than me.
this summer pretty much everyone i hang out with is a good 1-2 years younger than me.
i don't think it's bad at all.....it keeps me young.
it also make me feel even more grown up. i can't help but want to protect all of these people that mean sooooo much to me. they're becoming my little brothers and sisters. they haven't see what i have yet. they haven't felt that first big disappointment....some haven't even had they're heart broken. if they only knew what they were in for........

but thats the beauty of it all.

they're just starting to feel the pain that comes with growing up.
they are learning how to really love.
and how to let go of those they thought would be there forever.
people change and grow up.
i love seeing it happen.

and the best part of it all......they see me in a way that others don't.


they say the people you need to fear are your friends and not your enemies because enemies can only take your life....friends can take your heart. the latter hurts much more. i've been able to really reconnect with a lot of my old friends, but others i can't help but feel like i'm growing more and more distant from them.

it's hard for me to believe they care as much as they should (or at least as much as i deserve) when i have other friends that drop what they are doing to help me and take the time they don't have to talk to me. its the difference between having time and making time. i have one group of friends that make time. its just easy for us to be together. the other group has troubling finding time to be together. i don't really know how to react to this. but what i do know is....

the way these two different friend groups work are totally different. i know its wrong to compare them to each other, but i can't help but do it. and its sad because i love them all the same.


on another note.....

i've come to another conclusion.

hugs. you can tell everything about your relationship with another person by what it feel like when you hug them. i use to just think that some people were just good at hugging and other people weren't, but i don't think thats it anymore because i can feel how hugs from different people have changed.

i've been experiencing a lot of different type of hugs recently:

there is the real hug. usually with someone you feel completely comfortable with. it feel easy and automatic. you don't feel the need to let go.

there is the stranger/friend hug. with someone you don't really know very well, but when you hug them you can tell that you'll end up being friends because it feels surprisingly real and easy.

there is the stranger/not friend hus. with someone you don't really know very well and it feels awkward and not that great.

there is the changed hug. with someone you use to feel comfortable with, but now that you both have changed.....the hug still feels familiar, but there is a need to pull away faster than before.

there is the wanting to open up hug. it is between people slowing becoming friends. it kinda feels like a first kiss. awkward, but vulerable.

there is the safe hug. with very few people. when you hug them you feel completely safe and protected.

there is the protecting hug. with very few people as well. when you hug them you can tell they feel safe and protected.


haha ok. that is my new theory.


i want to be a hippie.
i was born in the wrong time period.
i want to protest.
i want to live free.
i want to change the world.