misery loves company...well so long....

"you're going to miss me when i'm gone."

SO i decided to write something again.....probably not a good idea....since i always seem to get in trouble for writing what I feel. i know crazy right. i mean its not like it MY thoughts......oh wait it is. i understand that i've made mistakes and said things i shouldn't in the past, but believe we all pay for every word we say. i'm no different. i'll try my best to keep this about me that way i'll have no way of offending anyone. i'm sure i will though....so my apologies in advance. if you're offended look at it as i care enough about you to write about you.

anyways......i've had a rough couple weeks.....we might be pushing a month here soon. i've kinda lost count. when things suck they have a funny way of running together and becoming one giant ball of suck that seems to overtake your life.

and that seems to be where i'm at right now....getting run over by a giant ball of suck. i mean some stuff is going ok. it could always be worse. i think thats become my mantra. hey....whatever gets you through the day. right?

wrong.
i'm tired of just getting through the day.

-if i can get through today, tomorrow will be better....
-if i can get through this week, next week will be better....
-if i can get past this project, i'll have time to work on the next one...

its a never-ending, fun-sucking, soul-harding mindset that keep us sane, but never really content.

or happy.

and that is where i am right now. not happy. i try, beleive me. i try soooo hard. ha...ok thats a lie. i'm not sure i try that hard. misery is easier. grudges are easier. complaining is easier.

but it just seems like no one understands. including me...

yeah believe me...as confused as anyone who's around me is about my emotions, don't worry i'm just as confused. i don't want to be left alone. i've been alone my entire life and you people (being the people in my life now) have spoiled me. wrecked me...if you will....because i used to be a person that didn't need anyone else. now being away from people for certain amount of time destroys me. to the point where i fall apart and don't even remember which way is up. i know....its sad. and it is NOT how i want to be. i don't want to care......and that what i can't understand. i spend so much time being upset that these people who i want so badly to care and be around me all the time aren't.....that i drive myself crazy. then when these people are around...i seem to just push them away. cause i can't seem to let myself be vulnerable to them again. some are soooooo completely unaware of how much they've hurt me....others are aware of how i feel, but just try too hard to make up for other people's mistakes. i don't need people to try to make me feel better. i just want someone to hold my hand and not understand with me. thats the only way to make someone in this state feel better. misery loves company right? unfortunately its so true.

i'm just so unsatisfied with everyone and its not fair to them. which makes me even more upset. its just like i want so much of them.....in ways they can't give me. ways i wouldn't be able to give them either. its just like i'm continuously pushing for something with everyone. its unfair and i don't know what to do about it.

part of me just wishes it was sophomore year again....so i could be back on the outside. it was so much easier and it didn't seem to hurt so much. there were no expectations....whatever i did was an advancement. i could let best friends be best friends without being jealous. i could retreat back when i didn't want to be there. i didn't have to care....but now i care....i want to care...i have to....

i'm very much on edge again. i can feel the anger building. part of me knows that its just something inside of me. a short circuit...that i just have to bypass. its hard though. its so easy to let it out on people and reasons that don't deserve it.

so thats one half of my ball of suck.....

the other half. i don't fit in. i'm so different in what i like, what i believe, what my views are, how i see life, school, money, jobs, friends. i'm just now noticing how very much out of tune i am with society. i feel like i have a lot of trouble relating to the other 21 year old college girls that reside in central illinois...while some of you may be thinking...."oh well whats the fun in being like everyone else anyway? it's good to be different" yeah....well tell that to the person who never seems to fit in.

i picked the right major.....thats for sure. sometimes i'd like to feel more like i fit in with my friends though.

i also feel very young for being the oldest person out of my friends. i don't like it.



and in conclusion, while the suck ball is busy picking up speed....

i'm scared.

really just very scared about my life.

everyone around me seems to have these very specific life paths. they are doing things now that will give them jobs and better lives later. planned out, easy, what they want to do....

they will teach and get married, design buildings and cars, go to grad-school, travel to far off countries, become doctors and CEOs of companies, have families, homes, picture albums, they will go to movies, get coffee, talk about the weather and the good old days....

they can closer their eyes and see their lives laid out.

i close mine and its empty and dark. no idea, no dream, no path.....

it's just me....floating around. alone.

maybe that just me being scared of the future, of not wanting to grow up, of not want to leave everything and everyone that has mattered to me.....whatever it is....it scares me and i wish i could just be a little kid again and cry about it knowing that there would be people who could tell me that it will all be fine, but i can't anymore.....all i have left for comfort is myself.


now after regurgitating all of this on to a blog for the whole world to see.....i can see how stupid it all is. that nothing is as bad as it seems. it just a lot of complaining when things don't go our way.

i just hope i can get some kind of relief soon. for me and for everyone else.